142 - I Unknowingly Rejected My Favorite

EP.142 - "I Don’t Want to Go Home" On days when there were no scheduled shoots, practice sessions were mandatory at the company unless it was a weekend. "Are we just going to leave Hoyeon like that?" "Do you still not get it? This is all a scheme orchestrated by him, isn't it?" "Ah... Seriously... Why is it so hard for you to understand? I'm speaking!" To express my frustration, I kicked the legs of the desk in front of me, prompting the teacher to signal me to stop. "Sigh... Taemin..." The deep sigh from my teacher left my gaze wandering with nowhere to rest. "Yes?" "Your emotions are good. They really are. But I've always emphasized this." My teacher pointed a finger toward my ear. "The camera needs to pick up what Taemin is saying clearly." "Especially in a scene like this. If you're all worked up and shouting but nobody understands, it’s an automatic NG." "...Let's revisit the basics of voice projection." When I focused on one thing, something else would slip. Concentrating on pronunciation caused my emotions to falter, and when I fixated on emotions, my pronunciation suffered. "Ah, this is driving me crazy." It was maddening to be aware of my shortcomings without needing the teacher to point them out. "Acting... It's not easy, is it?" Perhaps seeing how hard I struggled despite my efforts, the teacher didn’t press harsher. "But you need to get it right before we start filming." The weight of the words "need to succeed" felt unbearably heavy. The thought of having to reshoot because of my inadequacies was immensely stressful. In school or the military, poor performance in group activities wasted everyone’s time and effort. That was problematic enough, but now there was an added dimension of 'financial cost' hanging over me as well. My mistakes equated to tossing away money that didn’t need to be spent. The awareness of this burdened me with intense guilt. Class, which usually ended by five, stretched until nearly eight tonight. The teacher stayed an additional hour, and I practiced alone for two more hours before leaving. “You worked hard today.” Manager started the car. “No, not really.” Seeing them every day led to more conversations with the manager. “I remember you having a lot more scenes in your next shoot. How’s practice going?” “I’m... not sure.” And what if it's not going well? It’s not like everyone’s schedule can be adjusted just for me. “But we can all see how hard Taemin is working, so we’re staying positive.” “...Thank you.” While resting my chin on my hand and gazing out the window, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. An alert informed me that Luca's stream had started. Ah, has it gotten this late already...? Opening the message app revealed a heap of unread messages from Doa. [Why aren’t you calling!!!] [Are you really busy?] [I ordered chicken, join me later for some] [...Never mind, ate alone since you didn’t come] [Heading to stream now, will talk laterㅠ] Overwhelmed, I leaned my head back, prompting the manager to suggest I take a nap if I felt tired. So I caught a short nap before getting out of the car. “Since tomorrow’s shoot starts in the afternoon, try to relax tonight.” “Thank you.” Nodding politely, I trudged upstairs feeling drained. It was only a few steps, but I felt completely spent. I keyed in the door code, tossed aside my shoes, and collapsed face-down on the bed. “So exhausted...” What kind of luxury am I even pursuing with this? I pulled the blanket over me and turned on Luca’s stream on my phone. [Thank you, LukaHana, for the 10,000 won donation! With your offering, you'll reach paradise!] A chuckle escaped my lips instantly. What’s with today’s theme? Luca’s avatar with pink hair had wings sprouting from behind. It seemed like today's Luca was going for an angelic theme. Even the stream’s title was [Paradise... Want to Visit...?] It felt like a line a drug dealer might use—was this okay for an idol to say, Kim Doa? Putting aside thoughts about work, I allowed myself to become enveloped in the persona of Lucario. [If your name is on this list, you'll all reach paradise! Don’t miss this chance! Hurry and sign up in the Luca Sutra!] Luca, with sparkling pink eyes, was urging viewers to donate like it was a home shopping show, despite the angel wings. [Ah~ yes~ HanamanaBada! Your express ticket to heaven has just been issued! Alaview~] Winking and saying “Alaview,” donations surged. [Luca, take me too! Please let me go!] [I’m sorry, but can you say 'Alaview' one more time.] [Is this an angel or Luca, ahhh so cute] Luca then handled the incoming flurry of donations with playful red-faced reactions. [Guys... Are you donating solely for that reason? I thought you'd hope it was put to good use...?] Claiming her version was this good, more donations flooded in. Although the chat was hectic, Doa seemed overwhelmed just trying to keep up with donation reactions. [Alright, alright. Phew... I think Luca sent at least a hundred people to a better place today.] Wiping imaginary sweat from her brow, Luca feigned exhaustion. Imagining her in the studio, wearing a headset and acting like that, I couldn't help but smile warmly. Maybe I should donate for the first time in a while. Yeah, working hard to earn money, might as well spend it like this. I pondered how much to donate, settling on an amount comfortable enough for a good reaction. My donation message floated to a smiling Luca. [Lucario: Love you, Luca~] Luca's avatar paused momentarily. But no one found anything strange about this; comments expressing love or proposals were all too common in livestream donations. [Ah~ Lucario, thank you for the 50,000 won donation~ Love you too~ Alaview~] With a lively voice, Luca beamed brightly. It was rare for her to reciprocate expressions of love outright in response to such messages, so the chat filled with angry emoticons from her fans. [Wanna die?] [A vague icon brandishing a knife] [Luca, why not me...?] All my pent-up stress slowly melted away. Now, this is healing! Ah, living the carefree life of a recluse is pure bliss! Caught up in the sweet pleasure of the moment, I found myself wishing I didn’t have to go out tomorrow. Luca's stream wrapped up by midnight, but luckily, I didn’t need an early night tonight. Five minutes after the stream ended, Doa called me. "Hello." "...Oppa." "Yeah." Was I going to get scolded for the donation again today...? Ah, whatever. I just felt like donating today. It's faster to ask for forgiveness than permission. I waited a bit nervously for her reply. "Do you have to leave early tomorrow?" "No. I’m leaving around three in the afternoon." "Then, I want to stay over at your place." "Oh." I didn’t intend to refuse, but for some reason, Doa hung up the phone. I thought about calling back, but since she was coming over anyway, there didn’t seem to be a need. About ten minutes later, I heard knocking on the door. As I let her in, Doa wrapped her arms around me even before taking her shoes off. "...Doa?" Feeling a little taken aback, I called her name, but Doa stayed silent, rubbing her face against my t-shirt. "...Han Taemin." Instead of calling me "oppa," she uttered my full name. "I missed you." A short and direct sentiment followed. I lifted my hand to gently caress her head. "Me too." We stayed like that for about 30 seconds, then Doa kicked off her shoes and stepped inside. She shed her coat and, as if she didn’t need my permission, slid under my blanket. Doa patted the space next to her invitingly. Anyone would think this was her house. Rather than replying, I chose to lie down next to her and gently caressed her soft cheek. "Oppa, isn’t it a bit unfair?" "What is?" Maybe she was disappointed because I was late to respond. "You're not one to say ‘I love you’ to me frequently, yet you just throw it around like confetti in your donations. Hmm?" So that was it. "Well... it’s just that..." I always thought saying "I love you" too often would diminish its meaning, and frankly, it felt a bit embarrassing. "Sorry." Feeling awkward, I smiled sheepishly, and she responded with a quick kiss. "Say it to my face." "Now?" "Yeah, now." Having the stage set made it harder to speak. While I hesitated, Doa wrapped her arms around my neck. "Oppa, can't you see what state I'm in?" Her face gradually closed the distance between us. "It's not enough. Not nearly enough. Being apart after being together all the time is hard, and it's frustrating not being able to contact you whenever I want." "...I see." To reciprocate her candid confession, what I could offer Doa was... A deeper, more lingering kiss than the quick peck she had given earlier. With breaths still unsteady from passion, I whispered to her. "I love you, Doa." "I love you too." Another deep kiss followed. Her face turned a rosy shade, and her breathing grew slightly heavier. "I don't want to go home tonight." I had no intention of sending her home, either.