3.2 - A Story About a Married Teacher Who Becomes Obsessed With Her Female Student

Chapter 3: In The Sea Without Borders, Part 2 As I intently gazed at Togawa-san's slightly raised skirt and the underwear beyond, along with her smooth and moist legs, my heart pounded as if it were being struck directly. It was a pure, high-grade excitement that made my lower teeth quiver. The shameful image of a person aroused by a student ten years her junior was reflected in the mirror across from the phone. I uttered a deep sigh of disappointment toward myself and put down the phone. "It's not just me who's the bad one..." People like me should die. Truly. But I won't. Probably because, deep down, I don’t really believe that. While I loathe people like me, I refuse to end my life. Because Togawa-san is coming to school. In essence, I'm a despicable person, and that's why I won't die. I resumed applying my makeup, which had been interrupted earlier. My usually pale complexion was now tinged with an out-of-season autumn blush. I found it difficult to calm my heart, which was beating erratically like an unruly student, leaving me breathlessly unnerved. It felt like I was living recklessly, as if I knew my time was running out. Surely, I would soon no longer be a teacher. But... If the only way to know the color of my student’s underwear was to stray from the right path, then perhaps, as I am now, I wouldn’t regret it. * * * At least, I prided myself on having lived a righteous life until now. Many people I encountered would surely confirm that, using words like healthy, safe, and all sorts of sensible words. I had always shunned crime like most people and rejected it, living my life on the basis of what was considered upstanding. Yet here I am now, a bona fide criminal. Anyone could become a criminal if given the chance, so there’s no one who could truly claim to be above it. Even so, they'd say they never thought it would happen. 'I never thought she'd be a woman who would lay her hands on a high school girl.' Who indeed could predict such a thing? I came to realize that decency only holds when common sense and emotions are properly aligned. My façade of common sense and true emotional outlet were completely disconnecting. Even now, I understand clearly that making a move on an underage student as a teacher is despicable. Yet that understanding doesn't scoop up the emotions that are spilling over. Even during the morning homeroom, I try my best not to face Togawa-san in the classroom. Since I would unconsciously chase her with my eyes anyway, maintaining that distance is the best balance. Even so, I often marvel at how we both manage to act so naturally in the same classroom as if there's nothing wrong. I recall when my husband used to say that I was bad at lying. It wasn’t simply because he didn’t see through me. At that time, I was indeed terrible at false declarations. Today, just like always, I perform my teaching duties, exchange greetings with colleagues, and organize my responsibilities for after school. Through all this, my brain feels disengaged. Though various pieces of information move through my unfocused eyes and automatically process, I felt as if a transparent head floated above my neck. Being a teacher became something I could do without much thought, mostly relying on muscle memory rather than my mind. And when I handed things over to muscle memory, what was my mind doing? Of course—thinking. Thinking only about Togawa-san. During lunch break, retreating from the bells and bustle, I quietly head to the usual room. As I place class materials on the desk and sit down, my body becomes immobile as if it had run out of fuel. The exhaustion of my heart slowly permeates to my fingertips. The sealed room's warm and stuffy air blends with my lethargy. Since meeting Togawa Rin that night, the excitement within my heart brought fatigue but also … fulfillment. My heart was dragged to a high place I had never been aware of in my life, and there... I saw something beautiful. I found joy in something I shouldn't know about. Voices from below urge me to return many times. But I, having only been brought there, have no idea how to return. Despite my anxiety, I'm drawn to things that are fun, and I end up being only half-happy, staying in that high place forever. At the sound of a gentle knock on the door, I raise my face as if I just woke up. A light flickers on. More than just bright, it becomes dazzling before me. "Come in." "Excuse me!" "...Welcome, Togawa-san." Today again, Togawa-san comes to the prep room with her lunch. When I see her standing in front of me, I recall the color of her underwear, and the blush in my cheeks begins to betray me. As if seeing right through me, Togawa-san grins while settling into her usual chair. It's hard to look up. "You know, I did come yesterday, so I wasn’t planning to come today." "Yeah..." I get up to make some tea and glance toward the fan to turn it on. The window stays closed. No way will I touch the curtains. Even if only the sky was visible beyond the third floor window, I feared any connection to the outside world. My mindset was precisely that of a criminal desperate to hide their guilt. I crouch in front of the small fridge, getting the bottle of barley tea I had prepared. "But today, it's your fault, sensei." The bottle slips from my fingers and I hastily grab it. "No... it was Togawa-san who first asked that kind of question..." "Is it forbidden for students to ask their teacher questions?" "Let me rephrase. That wasn't a question—it was sexual harassment." From a distance, I glare at her, but Togawa-san merely laughs, stretching out her legs. "Then what about your naughty selfie, sensei?" "...I feel like we had this conversation this morning too." When I hand her the tea, she rudely peers intently at my chest, making me instinctively withdraw. "Can I set it as my wallpaper?" "Of course not; delete it." "Sensei sent it, so it’s sensei's responsibility to delete it." She gleefully points out my confusion, and frankly, she’s right—wait no, she isn’t. "Delete the saved image." "I didn't save it." "Show me." "I don't have it right now." The thought that her phone isn't with Togawa-san right now only intensifies my fear. If someone wants to, they can do anything: peep, steal, murder, cheat. In a world where anyone could kill if they wanted to, I admire humans who suppress evil intent to form societies. I am a weak creature who gave in to my desires and turned away from that society. "I know this might be a strange way to put it, but I'm on your side, sensei." I should be the one to guide students who might stray from the right path, yet being told she's on my side spreads warmth throughout my heart. This girl wants to stay with me. She wants to be with me. "Trust me more." Togawa-san places her hand on my cheek, and I cover it with mine, gently stroking her fingers. "I do trust you. I wouldn’t send a photo like that to someone I didn’t trust." What frightens me isn't my own sin, but the possibility of exposure, rendering me unable to be with Togawa-san. Even if that day was inevitably coming, I wanted to postpone it even if just a little. So I won’t even talk to my husband about it. The sole reason I continue to be a teacher, despite needing to quit, is for Togawa-san.