3.2 - A Story About a Married Teacher Who Becomes Obsessed With Her Female Student

Chapter 3: In The Sea Without Borders, Part 2 As I intently gazed at Togawa-san's slightly raised skirt and the underwear beyond, along with her smooth legs, my heart pounded as if being directly struck. It was a pure, high-grade excitement that made my lower teeth quiver. The shameful image of a person desiring a student ten years her junior was reflected in the mirror across the phone. I uttered a deep sigh of disappointment toward myself and put down the phone. "It's not just me who's the bad one..." I thought, I should just die. Truly. But I don't. Probably because, deep down, I don’t really believe that. While I loathe people like me, I refuse to end my life. Because Togawa-san comes to school. In essence, I'm a despicable person, and that's why I won't die. I resumed applying my makeup, which had been interrupted earlier. My usually pale complexion was now tinged with an out-of-season autumn blush. I found it difficult to calm my heart, which was beating erratically like an unruly student, leaving me breathlessly unnerved. It felt like I was living recklessly, as if I knew my time was running out. Surely, I would soon no longer be a teacher. But... If I didn't have to stray from the path to know the color of my student’s underwear, maybe I wouldn't regret what I am now. At least, I prided myself on having lived a righteous life until now. Many people I encountered would surely confirm that my life was decent, well-grounded, with all sorts of sensible words. I had always shunned crime like most people and rejected it, living within what was considered proper. Yet here I am now, a bona fide sinner. Anyone could become a criminal if given the chance, so there’s no one who could truly claim to be above it. Even so, they'd say it's unexpected. 'I never thought she'd be a woman who would lay her hands on a high school girl.' Who indeed could predict such a thing? I came to realize that decency only holds when common sense and emotions are properly aligned. My façade of common sense and true emotional outlet were completely disconnecting. Even now, I understand clearly that reaching out to an underage student as a teacher is despicable. Yet that understanding doesn't scoop up the emotions spilling over. Even during the morning homeroom, I try my best not to face Togawa-san in the classroom. Since I would unconsciously chase her with my eyes anyway, maintaining that distance is the best balance. Even so, I often marvel at how we both manage to act so naturally in the same classroom. I recall when my husband used to say I was bad at lying. It wasn’t simply because he didn’t see through me. At that time, I was indeed terrible at false declarations. Today, just like always, I perform my teaching duties, exchange greetings with colleagues, and summarize my responsibilities for after school. Through all this, my brain feels disengaged. Though various pieces of information move through my unfocused eyes and automatically process, I felt as if my transparent head floated above my neck. Being a teacher became something I could do without much thought, mostly relying on muscle memory rather than my mind. However, my heart was busy—all it did was think. Only about Togawa-san. During lunch break, retreating from the bells and bustle, I quietly head to the usual room. As I place class materials on the desk and sit down, my body becomes immobile as if out of fuel. The exhaustion of my heart slowly permeates to my fingertips. The sealed room's warm and stuffy air settles in my sluggishness. Since meeting Togawa Rin that night, the spark within my heart brewed fatigue but also … fulfillment. My heart was dragged to a high place I had never been aware of in my life, where I saw something beautiful. I found joy in things I shouldn't know. Voices from below urge me to return many times. But I, being only taken there, have no idea how to return. Though anxious, I am drawn to the enjoyable things, becoming somewhat happy and lingering in that high place. At the sound of a gentle knock on the door, I raise my face as if awoken. A light flickers. Beyond brightness, it becomes dazzling before me. "Come in." "Excuse me!" "...Welcome, Togawa-san." Today again, Togawa-san comes to the prep room with her lunch. When I see her standing in front of me, I recall the color of her underwear, and the blush in my cheeks begins to betray me. As if seeing right through it, Togawa-san grins while settling into her usual chair. It's hard to look up. "You know, I did come yesterday, so I wasn’t planning to come today." "Yeah..." I get up to make some tea and glance toward the fan to turn it on. The window stays closed. No way will I touch the curtains. Even if the sky visible beyond the third floor window wasn't intimidating, I feared any connection to the outside world. Such a mindset was precisely that of a criminal desperate to hide their guilt. I crouch in front of the small fridge, getting the pre-prepared bottle of barley tea. "But today, it's your fault, sensei." The bottle slips from my fingers and I hastily grab it. "No... it was Togawa-san who first asked such a question..." "Is it forbidden for students to ask questions to their teacher?" "Let me rephrase. That wasn't a question—it was sexual harassment." From a distance, I glare at her, but Togawa-san merely lounges and laughs. "Then what about your naughty selfie, sensei?" "...I feel like we had this conversation this morning too." When I hand her the tea, she rudely peers into my chest as if uninterested, making me instinctively withdraw. "Can I set it as my wallpaper?" "Of course not; delete it." "You sent it, so it’s sensei's responsibility to delete it." She gleefully points out my confusion, and frankly, she’s right—wait no, she isn’t. "Delete the saved image." "I didn't save it." "Show me." "I don't have it now." The thought that her phone isn't with Togawa-san right now only intensifies my fear. If someone wants to, they can do anything: peep, steal, murder, cheat. In a world where anyone could kill if they wanted to, I admire humans who suppress evil intent to form societies. I am a weak creature who gave in to my desires and turned away from that society. "As much as this may sound strange, I'm on your side, sensei." I should be the one to guide students who might stray from the right path, yet being told she's on my side spreads warmth throughout my heart. This child wants to stay with me. She wants to be with me. "Trust me more." Togawa-san places her hand on my cheek, and I cover it with mine, gently stroking her fingers. "I do trust you. I wouldn’t send such photos to someone I didn’t." What frightens me isn't my own sin, but the possibility of exposure, rendering me unable to be with Togawa-san. Even if that day was inevitably coming, I wanted to prolong it as much as possible. So I won’t even talk to my husband about it. The sole reason I continue to be a teacher, despite needing to quit, is for Togawa-san.