Infinite Regressor, Chapter 444 - I’m an Infinite Regressor, But I’ve Got Stories to Tell

4. Noh Do-hwa and the Undertaker. It's been a year since these last two human survivors started living together on a certain beach. It was around that time when they began sharing the same bed. 5. To her, it was a truly unexpected revelation. Noh Do-hwa—that is, herself—seemed to have developed even a sense of 'pity' for that man. "Undertaker? It's already 4 a.m., why are you still out here wallowing in misery instead of sleeping...?" "Ah." From when did it start—looking back, perhaps that was the catalyst. It was a time not long after the two had met in this cycle. When the greenness of summer was fiercely envying the redness of autumn, Noh Do-hwa awoke in the middle of the night and sluggishly emerged from her bedroom. But it was a strange affair. Wasn’t the Undertaker sitting upright on the terrace? "I apologize. I didn't think I made any noise, but I disturbed your sleep, Ms. Do-hwa." "No. My sleep habits aren't really your business... But, what are you doing out here? It doesn't look like there's much to see in the night view..." Busan. A sandy beach. In a building once used as a hotel, the Undertaker, with his remarkable skills, had repurposed the lobby into a livable space. By some miracle unknown to her, water and electricity still functioned properly in this hideout. Given that it was originally a hotel, beds were plentiful. Noh Do-hwa and the Undertaker had been residing in separate rooms ten meters apart. "Hmm." In the place where the sea existed by sound rather than color under the night's cover, the Undertaker hesitated slightly. "Actually, Ms. Do-hwa, I never told you this, but I do not sleep." "Well, it's not that unusual. They say the older you get, the less you sleep, right? Considering you've lived for thousands of years, it's only natural you'd sleep less..." "No, it's not just less sleep; there's none. I don't sleep at all." "...Pardon?" "It has been like this for some time. Unless I make a deliberate effort, I find no need to sleep." The Undertaker let out a bitter smile. "In a way, one could say I've transcended humanity. Ms. Do-hwa, wouldn't it be wise for you to find a happy refuge and flee from a mysterious person like me?" "...No, screw that." "Oh dear. That's unfortunate." Shrugging, the Undertaker playfully raised his shoulders. [Do not cross this line any further]. The bluffing pose of the Undertaker had an implicit “no trespassing” sign. "..." To trample on the fence of someone’s heart required a certain resolve, an exceedingly firm sense of responsibility. Noh Do-hwa had always abhorred taking on responsibility since childhood. So she passed off the Undertaker’s silence as just the peculiar sound of the night sea waves and said nothing. "Hmm?" However. The peculiarities didn't end there. "Undertaker?" "..." "Undertaker. Why have you suddenly stopped while walking? Did you see a ghost or something...?" With the city devoid of people, where moss and fallen leaves thrived, the two often strolled through the alleys of Busan. But during these strolls, the Undertaker would sometimes come to an inexplicably abrupt halt. "Ah." And then he’d blink his eyes (usually squinting his left eye tightly) and turn to look back at her. "My apologies. I got momentarily lost in thought." "Uh-huh..." "Anyway, staying with someone as strange and boring as me is useless. Ms. Do-hwa, I'd appreciate it if you’d agree to the time seal as soon as possible." "..." Indeed, something was off. ‘Absolute lack of sleep. Abnormal disruption of actions in daily life.’ Noh Do-hwa wasn’t a psychiatrist. Yet seeing patients daily in the hospital nurtured a certain familiarity with mental illnesses. Her instincts and experience whispered to her. ‘Though his eyes appear blank like a corpse’s, this man…’ Thus, on a certain day. Noh Do-hwa dared to commit an act she would have never done in the past. "Undertaker. Whatever you are, what you really want is for me to agree to that time seal or whatever and for you to promptly leave this world, isn’t that it...?" "I never expressed it in such harsh terms. But yes, that's correct." "Then please grant whatever I ask. Once my wish is fulfilled, I’ll decide whether to accept your proposal." "Very well. What would you like?" "Sleep, please..." The Undertaker faltered. "Excuse me?" Witnessing his startled demeanor amused Noh Do-hwa slightly. For someone who always maintained an attitude of ‘I fully understand your intentions 100%, 200%,’ the misinterpretation had been encouraged by her, yet she mocked him as if it was entirely his fault. "Just as I said. Lie in bed and show me you’re sleeping while I watch..." "Oh. Oh, that's what you meant." "Hmm? Then what did you think I was proposing…?" "Nothing, it's nothing." Settling his expression, the Undertaker soon lapsed into thought. Undoubtedly, he was pondering the nature of the wish she had presented. For Noh Do-hwa, even observing that face was an amusement. It was rather entertaining to see a person she hadn’t known for long contemplate her offhand remarks ‘to such a depth’ more than expected. "Must you truly see me sleep for your satisfaction? That’s a peculiar taste. Surely there are other wishes, yet you insist on this.” “If you refuse my request and only make excuses, I’ll just kill myself…” “…Understood. I’ll show you tonight.” The Undertaker sighed. And that night, Noh Do-hwa confirmed once again that her instincts were right. “Ah. Ugh…” In the middle of the night. The Undertaker, forced to lie in bed and attempt sleep, was drenched in cold sweat. Uttering deep sighs that were too dark to dismiss as mere sleep talk. "I'm sorry, Seo-rin. It's not that you're strange... It's just that I've already gone too far..." That voice. That sight. "......" Seated a few steps away on a wooden chair, Noh Do-hwa continued to watch him. Throughout the night. "......" As if blinking was a waste, as if even breathing would disrupt him. In a long, steady gaze. Noh Do-hwa watched him and finally had to acknowledge it. 'Ah.' She was forced to admit that her heart, something she never expected to feel in her lifetime, was beating with unprecedented excitement. ‘Ah-ha…’ Since childhood, Noh Do-hwa had always believed she must have been born wrongly. She couldn't wish for someone's happiness. Others' suffering brought her joy, and the more genuine the suffering, the deeper her happiness became. Her fortune and misfortune were that she was smart enough to logically analyze just how twisted and wrong her character was. And her great patience allowed her to impose the judgments her ‘mind’ made onto her simmering ‘heart’ like a commandment. To Noh Do-hwa, happiness wasn't an essential element for others or herself. So, she simply gave up on happiness. Instead, she accepted only the tasks she was capable of doing into her life. Creating assistive devices for those with disabilities—it was a commendable task in anyone’s eyes, inconspicuous, yet something Noh Do-hwa could find a modest sense of pride in. Great happiness, great good, great honor. All of these held some measure of poison. Noh Do-hwa pursued ‘smaller’ happiness and goodness, honor she could handle, even given how she had been born. [Do not cross this line any further]. Yellow tape encircled Noh Do-hwa’s heart, ropes labeled ‘Do Not Trespass.’ [Do not cross this line any further]. Indeed, it wasn't about the passion or heart someone is born with that defined a person. What truly mattered was how one managed that heart. For Noh Do-hwa, the yellow tape she wrapped around herself was her pride—a testament to her ‘humanity.’ However. "No, Saintess. It's not your fault. Yeji, you aren't wrong. Rather, it's this world..." "......" Watching that man. Her heart, which had always been sealed away with no escape for noise, began to produce discord. ‘Seo-rin or whoever they are… those people he murmurs about…’ They must have respected his opinion deeply enough to agree to the [time seal]. The precious heart is what grounded such a choice by his companions. But. ‘What about me?’ Why had Noh Do-hwa, throughout countless cycles, never once accepted his proposal? ‘Ah-ha.’ Because she couldn't allow it. Her heart was narrow, designed only for one. Thus, 'preciousness' could only be given to one person. Friends? Friendship? Lover? Affection? Hero? Respect? Slave? Contempt? Noh Do-hwa didn’t know how to divide her heart graciously with so many words. Once more, the capacity her heart could accommodate was always limited to one person. He had to be a friend. A friendship. A lover. An affection. A hero. A respect. A slave. A contempt. All the words that existed in this world had to converge at a single vanishing point. Thus, a simple arithmetic formed. ――If this heart was arranged for just one person, then shouldn’t the other side be arranged for only one as well? ‘Ah-ha,’ ‘Ah-ha,’ ‘Ah-ha,’ ‘Ah-ha.’ Joy spread in her chest. Once, Noh Do-hwa encircled her heart with caution tape in deference and respect to the world. And now the world had perished. Early on, she'd kept ice near her heart to prevent making someone else unhappy. And now, the people were gone. Except, of course, for the man in front of her. "......" Slowly. She felt it unraveling. The strings that had bound her heart. Noh Do-hwa rose from her chair and approached the bed. She climbed onto it, looking down at the Undertaker’s face right in front of hers. Her breath was present. Hers. “Hoo.” From that brief laugh, heat surged in a steam—static from the snapping lines. Noh Do-hwa brushed her hand against the Undertaker’s cheek. "......!" The moment she touched his tear-streaked face, it was as if an electric current raced down her spine. Noh Do-hwa cast aside her gloves. Then, once more, she touched his cheek, closer this time. "……." And astonishingly—it felt good. ‘Ah.’ Her mind spun. Indeed, she’d expected this would happen. Past versions of herself had likely gathered all the junk scattered on the ground to build a barricade. That junk was made of words. ‘Because I respect you’. ‘Because I still believe in lines’. ‘Because causing no harm is the only answer’. ‘Because not falling apart is noble’. That junk heap just crumbled, along with the strings that had choked her heart. She kissed him. "……!" The Undertaker's eyes, which had been plagued by nightmares, flew open. At first, he seemed unable to believe the sight before him, and that bewilderment pleased Noh Do-hwa. She bit a tongue. Whose tongue it was, was hard to discern. A taste of blood lingered, which she also found appealing. She kissed him once more. "Noh Do-hwa, ma'am?" As soon as there was a slight gap for his voice, the Undertaker spoke. "What is happening...?" "I do not wish for happiness." Noh Do-hwa said. Speaking was difficult. Yet, she said what needed to be said. “Neither my happiness nor yours.” The man before her always had that infuriating way of acting like he knew exactly what she intended with her words. But thinking back, perhaps that was the Undertaker’s way of signaling, 'I understand you.' She, Noh Do-hwa, decided to try the same thing now. Just a moment ago, the Undertaker had likely meant to ask, "What is happening?" But it was trivial. The true implication of his question carried a completely different resonance. [If things go this way, if we end up in such a relationship, what will become of the two of us?] This was the real question. So, Noh Do-hwa had replied. "I simply want to own you." She was providing an answer. "Your sorrow, your grief—whatever it may be... all that shitty stuff. Think of it as reserved entirely for me." "......" "Reproaching yourself? I don't mind. Reproach away. But you must understand this..." Noh Do-hwa whispered. In this position, she didn’t need to move her head much, which was convenient. "I've yearned for you to be like this." "......" "Do you understand? Even what you think is your worst, to me, it appears as nothing but the fruit of a sweet wish..." A chuckle escaped her unknowingly. "Did you ask me what my wish is, Undertaker?" She was delighted. "I want nothing other than you as you are now." In a garbage-filled world, the garbage had disappeared. Only two pieces of trash were left. Noh Do-hwa extended her hand and slowly stroked the white neck of the trash she had finally claimed at the very end. "So." "......" "Desire only me as well..." ――In this gamble, the victor was her.