Infinite Regressor, Chapter 463 - I’m an Infinite Regressor, But I’ve Got Stories to Tell

6. Yu Ji-won had known for a long time that she wasn’t a psychopath. “…….” Sssss. The man's face appeared before her eyes. They lay together on a dimly lit bed. It wasn’t as if any romantic feelings had developed between them. She had simply moved him to the bed after he fainted on the couch. ‘You cried all night, Mr. Matiz.’ Yu Ji-won reached out and gently stroked his hair. She had learned that his real name was Go Yo-il during a previous infiltration into his house. But what did it matter? To her, he had always been just 'Mr. Matiz.' ‘It was the first time I saw you cry like that, Mr. Matiz. It was quite fascinating.’ A lonely bed in a secluded lodging with no one to watch. Yu Ji-won stealthily summoned a cerulean aura with her fingertips. The water-like essence wriggled before cautiously enveloping Matiz’s face. From the outside, it looked as though he had applied a face mask right after washing. She took care to leave his nostrils uncovered to ensure his breathing wasn't obstructed during sleep, allowing the blue veil to cover the rest of his face. “Hmm.” Yu Ji-won furrowed her brows, contemplating. ‘Even with this, it’s impossible to discern his features.’ She could tell there was a nose there, and eyes. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t conjure his likeness in her mind. ‘I might manage to distinguish him in a crowd. I can recognize the difference. But if asked whether I could identify Mr. Matiz by himself――that’s doubtful.’ Yu Ji-won moved slightly closer, nestling her nose beneath Matiz’s chin. Then she inhaled deeply. ‘…A pleasant scent.’ The fog in her mind calmed. ‘Just for me. Even if this world perishes and forces us apart, for the day we reunite someday.’ ‘A singular fragrance.’ A smile played at the corners of Yu Ji-won's lips. It was an intentional smile, a learned expression. Therefore, her smile seemed peculiarly unnatural. Ordinary people calculated not only when to smile but also when to let their smiles fade. How appropriately—how quickly they should let go of a smile to avoid offending the other person. Everyone strove desperately for naturalness. Yet Yu Ji-won’s smile lacked such calculations. The smile appeared, then vanished abruptly. Gone, then reappearing suddenly. For Yu Ji-won, anything beyond that level of naturalness was still unnecessary. Her smile was an artifice crafted for one person, and he had never once complained about it. Stroking, Yu Ji-won swept back his bangs. “What is love, I wonder.” “…….” Flinch. Although her voice grazed his eardrums, Matiz only shifted slightly, his eyelids remaining still shut. Yu Ji-won pondered. The relationship she shared with the person before her—could it be defined as the emotion called ‘love’? It was impossible. Again, Yu Ji-won had known for a long time that she wasn’t a psychopath. She felt almost no emotions in most aspects. Psychopaths weren’t people like her who couldn’t feel emotions. They were deprived of the ability to empathize with others. ‘Mr. Matiz. It seems I still don’t feel any particular emotions toward you.’ Wriggle. At her fingertips, droplets quivered. The transparent beads, behaving as if alive, burst with a soft pop. The world as Yu Ji-won viewed it was perpetually submerged. The man before her had once commented on the droplets that had just burst: -Those are water nymphs. A miniature version of a great sea dragon called Leviathan. Countless water nymphs congregate to form the dragon's shape. In fact, that wasn’t quite correct. For Yu Ji-won, these droplets were bubbles. The air exhaled by a diver, blossoming underwater. To Yu Ji-won, the world had long been submerged, and thus, the silhouettes beyond the water's ‘veil’ were always distorted. Much like how objects appear wavy when viewed from below the water's surface. ‘I want to reach it.’ Bubble b-b-b-pop- Thus, whenever Yu Ji-won desired, ‘water nymphs’ would be born. At her fingertips. Around her. Bubbles boiling and ascending to the eternal surface. Indeed. Toward the surface. Matiz found it fascinating that the raindrops he called water nymphs descended not from above but ascended from below. But wasn’t it obvious? If they were bubbles, they were bound to rise. A matter of perspective. ‘Mr. Matiz. What are emotions?’ She wanted to experience them herself. This wasn't a vague curiosity to merely feel them. It was a desire to view the world from the same perspective that he did. ‘What do you look like?’ ‘To me, people's voices always resonate as muted signals, distorted by water. [Out there], what timbre does your voice possess?’ Wriggle. Wriggle-wriggle. Endless transparent bubbles popped incessantly. ‘A pleasant scent.’ Even in this underwater world, scents were strikingly clear. “……Ji-won?” Suddenly, a voice sounded from the bedside. Glancing up, she saw Matiz looking down at her, eyes heavy with sleep. “Yes. Good morning.” “Yeah, good morning… Why are you biting my neck, if you don’t mind me asking?” “The scent of the perfume was strongest here.” “Are you some kind of pervert?!” “Excuse me, Mr. Matiz, it’s merely an act of confirming existence. If that's the case, then everyone who looks at people’s faces would be considered a pervert, wouldn’t they?” “Now I’m wide awake! Seriously!” Grumbling, Matiz got up and began getting ready. It was midsummer, and with plans to ride a bike for several hours, haphazardly applying sunscreen wasn’t an option. From Yu Ji-won’s perspective, the sunscreen was slightly inconvenient. Its aroma blurred the meticulously applied fragrance. Nevertheless, it was a matter of getting used to, so she burrowed her head into Matiz's embrace just before their ride. "……Don’t you need sunscreen?" "No, I'm fine." "Oh boy. Don’t trust your skin too much just because you’re young. Even if the world ends, you’ll probably continue modeling for a few more years." "I’m okay precisely because I'm young. Even if my skin tans a little, it will only add a seasonal, exotic beauty to my appeal." "A psychopath and a narcissist—what a tough combination…" Of course, it was a lie. ‘Since I’m submerged in water 24/7, sunlight never really reaches me.’ Why bother hiding such a secret? Naturally— ‘Mr. Matiz isn't aware this is all just bubbles, which means Reincarnate Go Yo-il doesn’t know either.’ To deceive your enemies, you must first deceive your allies. ‘Mr. Matiz seems to trust this Reincarnate quite a lot. But trust alone won’t keep the world turning.’ Believe in you. Believe in me. Though beautiful words, they were inadequate to create a beautiful world. One doesn’t need to invoke Gettier's JTB problem to see that belief and reality are not the same. Therefore, keeping the information hidden was a natural choice for Yu Ji-won. ‘If by any chance the Reincarnate deceives Mr. Matiz—or deceives themselves, I might be the last resort.’ Their schedule was particularly busy today. First, Yu Ji-won contacted a caregiver she had arranged in advance. With the Reincarnate gone, someone was needed to look after her grandmother. The caregiver, after checking payment, assured her there was no need to worry. This had been planned far before leaving for the trip to Japan. "…How meticulously did you plan this murder?" "Even if no murder occurred, I couldn't entrust my grandmother to an unidentified Reincarnate. I needed an alibi even if exposed to public institutions." “Sometimes you genuinely scare me, Ji-won….” Does he mean it? She could guess he was joking. But what if it wasn't just a joke? What if there was truth mixed in? To deduce that, she needed his voice and expressions. That's all it would take—it was quite simple. Yet both were only scant fragments for Yu Ji-won. So, did Mr. Matiz truly fear her? ‘It’s possible.’ Yu Ji-won mused. ‘I killed someone who could have been Mr. Matiz's family, mentor, or perhaps his lover.’ ‘Of course, Mr. Matiz has accepted me. Forgiven me. But that's his resolution and action, not emotion.’ ‘I've heard emotions are beyond human control. Even if he’s afraid of me, it’s inevitable.’ What are emotions? ‘I want to know.’ How does he perceive me? ‘I want to touch it.’ So, she reached out. "…? Ji-won?" "……." Squeeze. She took Matiz's hand. And from her hand to his, she let the transparent droplets, no—the bubbles flow. “?” Matiz apparently couldn’t see the bubbles. Hardly unexpected. Sometimes he could see ‘this,’ and sometimes he couldn't. Thus, Yu Ji-won freely manipulated the bubbles. ‘Skin.’ The bubbles squirmed and crawled up Matiz’s forearm. Quickly, the bubbles seeped beneath his skin. ‘Muscle. Bone.’ Deeper still. ‘Heart.’ Thump. The bubbles wrapped around Matiz's heart. Clinging. In that unseen deep underwater space. Thump, it echoed. Every vibration he felt became clear and distinct to her as well. And then. ‘This speed.’ Yu Ji-won drenched herself in bubbles too. She controlled and adjusted the bubbles. How? ‘This timbre.’ Mimicking the direction and speed of his heartbeat. Making them the same. Thump, thump. When Matiz's heart beat, Yu Ji-won's heart beat too. Her heart mirrored the rhythm his heart held. “Mr. Matiz.” “Mm?” "Do I scare you?" “Yes. Honestly, you’re terrifying, Ji-won. I predict you’re going to become a Korean model following in the footsteps of a German art student and a Georgian poet.” "……." Thump, thump. ‘I feel calm.’ Thump, thump. ‘So it was a joke.’ Yu Ji-won nodded. ‘This is how Mr. Matiz feels when joking.’ A smile dawned on her lips. “I too have great respect for those two as my seniors. I plan to devote myself to studying art and poetry rigorously for the coming years.” “You serious…?” They ate lunch and set off again. “Phew, huff. Oh gosh. This hill—why does it never end――.” Thump. Thump. ‘This is the emotion of struggle.’ ‘Mr. Matiz's struggle.’ Yu Ji-won didn’t find it difficult at all. No matter how steep and long the incline was, she simply assessed how much her muscles were exhausted and labeled it as ‘difficulty.’ The label was always a pale hue. It never got stained with feelings like ‘wanting to quit’ or ‘disliking biking.’ “Wow.” Not anymore. "Ji-won, stop for a bit." "Why? We still have 20 more minutes to pedal to reach the destination." "No, look at that sunset." Screech. Stopping midway on the hill, Yu Ji-won turned her head, following Go Yo-il's gaze. ‘Crimson. Orange. Faint wine color.’ Yu Ji-won looked up at the sky with an expressionless face. ‘One side of the sky is night. Judging by the time, in just ten minutes, twilight will swiftly lose its hues. We need to reach the destination before night falls.’ ‘The breeze is cool. While we’re stopped like this, there's a risk our sweat will cool, causing a rapid loss of body heat.’ Yu Ji-won turned her gaze with the same nonchalance. There, beside her, was Go Yo-il’s face with his lips slightly parted. “Beautiful…” “…….” Bubbles. Skin. Muscle. Bone. Heart. Thump. ‘Beautiful.’ Thump. ‘This is what it feels like to perceive beauty.’ Thump. Thump. ‘Mr. Matiz’s sense of beauty.’ Once more, Yu Ji-won looked up at the sunset. The world was bathed in red. Clouds spilled across the sky like bath salts dissolving. Cicadas’ songs flowed down the cracks of the sky. “…….” Yu Ji-won smiled. “Yes.” Leaning against Go Yo-il's shoulder, she interlocked her fingers with his and said, “It is beautiful.” For a long time. Yu Ji-won had always known she wasn’t a psychopath. She was merely empty. Sunlight was rare in the deep ocean, and when it did shine, it was only shadows of light, so Yu Ji-won could only trace the contours of the world beyond the water's surface with those shadows. She still couldn’t truly know the world. The only smile she knew was his. The only pain she knew was his. The beauty she recognized was his beauty. “Truly—it is beautiful.” And for her, that was enough. Because she had someone beside her who breathed in place of her, so that her heart could keep beating. In this abyss of the ocean she was born, she found happiness. -The Woman Y. END.