Chapter 82 - The Girl Wants to Be M*rdered

<Chapter 82> Sowing * * * *** In the pitch-black darkness, where one was forced to wander the world with eyes covered, lived seven hundred futile lives. Seventy lives, swaying aimlessly, without knowing where to go or what the destination even was. Seven lives, chasing mirages that would never be reached, illusions that only blurred human eyes. In an endlessly repeating cycle of life, I pondered and pondered. "What am I living for?" But that question, even after countless years, Forever, endlessly, continued without resolution. *** That day's sky was, as always, a cursed and resentful dawn. In the fleeting moment when the blue sky and red dawn mixed in the void, a color that was closer to death than anything else emerged. "—Grandfather. What are these seeds?" "Hm? Oh! Hye-na, you're here!" Underneath that melancholic purple sky, I slowly squatted down in front of the grandfather who was sorting seeds with his aged and wrinkled hands from early in the morning. "Back from helping others again? So diligent, haha, if only my own children were even half as diligent as you, Hye-na." "......" Welcoming me with a gentle smile that carried the weight of time, perhaps the old man seemed pleased simply because he had someone to talk to again after so long. One word from me, and it returned with several from him. Was it because he was growing old? Or perhaps because he was a lonely and solitary person? ".....No." Whatever the reason, it didn't matter to me. I was simply there to fulfill others' desires. Grateful to be a small comfort to someone, I continued our conversation. Looking up at the sky once. "—There was no one." "Haha. I see, Hye-na. So that's why you had such a dark expression since earlier." To his question whether I had helped many people again today, I shook my head suitably and replied that I didn't find anyone in particular who needed assistance. A mechanical routine of swiftly taking care of assigned tasks to earn money for survival and helping those in distress with the remaining time, repeated daily. But, in the early morning, when only a few diligent people exited the gate, it was unlikely there were people in need of help from a little kid like me. Confirming that there were no lost children or starving people fainting anywhere in the village, I found myself forced to spend time alone. In a time of sloth, drawn-out and interminable. I need to help others as soon as possible. I must abandon all I deserve to possess, sacrificing everything for others, so as not to commit sins of greed anymore. I should help, help, and help my friends, family and neighbors, the people of this village who raised me, the citizens of my country, and all humans living in this world. Yet, why can't things seem to go right? Why does it only lead to more futility? The reason, worn out and faded in the cycle of life, was as elusive as an old, blurry photograph. But the obligation, like a shackle, wrapped around my soul, and I would continue this behavior until my life dwindled away. Loving everyone was akin to loving no one at all, and wanting to be of help to everyone meant not being able to help anyone. Especially if such actions hold no foundation of goodwill for others and serve only self-satisfaction, even more so. It couldn't amount to anything. Acts of goodwill for personal salvation were nothing but gold-covered lumps of lead and were barely different from shameful actions of a loser escaping their self-induced sins. Yet, through seventy-seven lifetimes, I continued this best and worst of behaviors. Even if what awaited at the end of that hypocritical action was destruction, I believed in its meaning, clinging to a thread of hope. That was the way I had lived my life until now. But. Of course. No matter how much good I did, or how much I reduced my intake to tighten my self-strangling grip, A part of me, unfulfilled and cold, remained empty. Really, was there any meaning to what I did? Was there any value in the obligations performed? Am I not missing something? Like a broken jar, no matter how much was poured, only emotionless thoughts surfaced in my heart. Thus, I was sinking into the endless hell of self-reproach. Then— "—Ah, even this is hard now." ".......?" Rustle, rustle. "Seems like it's going to rain tomorrow... Oh dear, my joints are aching already." ".....Ah." In front of me, the sight of him diligently working at the florist's drew my gaze. —Thunk, thunk. "For an old man like me to be questioned about choosing seeds, one never knows what life brings, haha!" ".......Just curious." Despite eyes that could hardly see, he quickly and sharply sorted seeds and placed them in a basket as if age was just decor. His hands moved through the seeds as if handling sand. One by one, the seeds he picked found their way into a basket, drilled and frayed here and there. A small one. An unnecessarily large one. One covered in strange sap. Most of them were seeds without substance, their insides hollow and empty. The remaining few were soaked, rotted to a dull black, or fractured beyond repair. These were the seeds that, at birth, harbored dreams of blooming brilliantly and bearing fruit, visions of a hopeful future. But what fate befalls those whose futures are twisted from birth or by their environment? Do they simply get trampled and disappear? Or is there another future awaiting them? I, who had been living each day as a machine, solely to help others. For me, who hadn’t been allowed the luxury of questioning my own actions, it was a curiosity I hadn’t felt in a very long time. However. "The ones collected in this container are mostly meant to be discarded." "...Discarded?" Despite my expectations, his response was as cold and absolute as ever. Even as he uttered those cruel words, his skilled hands never faltered, mechanically sorting through the seeds. One by one. They slipped away unnoticed. Seeds that were destined to rot from the very start. Seeds that, due to poor storage, could not be used, regardless of their intentions. Seeds that couldn’t ripen and thus fell, pushed by the wind. —Swish. ".........." They were swept away by his emotionless, dry hand gestures. The old man continued speaking. "Once completely rotten, they’re of no use. Of course, it’s a shame to throw them all away, so some might be roasted or fried to eat. But why are you so curious?" ".........." "...Hye-na?" Yet, the rest of his words barely registered in my ears. All I could think about was that these seeds, holding promises of noble and resplendent futures, would soon be discarded and vanish without ever blooming properly. That single thought dominated my mind, striking like a hammer. "...Why?" "Well... because they’re hollow." Even when I forced my trembling lips to form a single-word question, society's response was as cold and unyielding as ever. Simply because seeds that weren't filled to the brim were deemed unlikely to grow if planted. Simply because such seeds would waste the space needed for other seeds if planted, they were labeled defective. Beside them, the sleek, luminous seeds, perfectly prepared, took all the opportunities they could offer, leaving these without even a small piece of soil to stretch their roots. ['—You never even tried.'] Opportunity. It was an opportunity stolen by someone else. ['—I tried so hard, and you ruined it all.'] —Boom! ".......!!" "...Oh my! What’s happening!" The moment the thought of a stolen opportunity crossed my mind, I found the puzzle piece I'd been unable to fit until now. Even having fitted all the pieces, there had been an incomplete part left blank. That last, lost piece—I remembered it at last. For what reason had I persisted in such futile actions all this time? Why did I believe I had to help others until now? Indeed, wasn’t it to atone for the karma of enjoying privileges at the expense of others' opportunities? Yes. That was exactly it. Those with exceptional abilities and warm hearts. Even those who deserved success and happiness would falter, unable to spread their wings, when faced with indiscriminate misfortune. What I needed to do was become the stepping stone they required to succeed. To help their one and only precious, noble, and incomparable life blossom. That was my sense of purpose. —Swoosh. "Give me that seed." "...Huh?" I reached out my hand. Although the grandfather before me seemed bewildered by my commanding tone, it didn't concern me. I was smiling a radiant smile—perhaps the first in this lifetime—and the prospects for my future opened up with endless possibilities. Now, and today. The long journey and wandering of a child came to an end here. The destination that seemed nonexistent, and the mirage that faded the more I reached for it, all revealed themselves. I had legs to stand on and knew the direction I needed to walk. All that remained was to move forward. "—I'll grow it." "........." I clenched the broken and shabby seed tightly with both hands, bringing it to my chest. Holding this small, tangible something against my heart, I felt as though something in my heart, which I thought would forever remain unfulfilled, was finally satisfied. The feeling was so overwhelming, I even thought that I wouldn't mind if my heart stopped here and now. With a noose around my neck, a gun aimed at my chest, and poison in my mouth— I could still clasp my hands and willingly sing a hymn of life. —Crush! "This is a blessing." I gripped the small, crumbled seed tightly in one hand, fearing I might drop it. The warm pulse of life it radiated guided me toward the hidden truth of the world. The value of my own life. And the mission I was to undertake from here on out—everything. "I understand." I understood. ** ".........." I opened my previously closed eyes wide. Before me, with her face a mix of shock and concern, stood a woman with black hair, gazing at me. Hanh Sia. Someone living her second life, someone who had a foot in a heresy that should not be meddled with. In this possibly uncountable lifetime, she was undoubtedly the one closest and most connected to me. I opened my previously closed mouth wide. "Sia sister, I have a question." "...Ellie, is it?" (T.N not sure why sia looking for Ellie? Maybe she confused what happened with Alice and looking for Ellie?) To you, I ask this. To you, who once denied my way of life, I pose this question. To you, one of the many who keep unsettling my heart, I seek answers. The heartfelt inquiry that concerns the path of life we will tread together henceforth. The profound beginning of both the prologue and the epilogue. "It's a very, very important question. I really want you to answer it, Sia sister." Now. Let's sing. Sia, sister. ** * * *