第78話　涙の意味 ① - I Was Cheated on by My Girlfriend but My Devilish Junior Now Yearns for Me

Even now, the thought occasionally flits across my mind. "It's obvious, isn’t it? Because I wanted to see you." Those were the words Reina Aisaka had uttered in the parking lot of the basement level. Though memories gradually wear away, I felt certain I could recall that vivid event if I so wished. Recalling it—what good would that do me? Even when I tried to shove the memory aside, the scene leaked back into my consciousness. Unconsciously, I found myself pondering the meaning of her tears. ◇◆ Everyday life as usual. Whether daily life was joyful or mundane, an influential factor was human relationships. There's a saying that everyday life collapses suddenly, but I believe it's especially true for university students, as the instability of relationships weighs heavily. A missing presence in one's routine turns everything monochrome. However, with a new presence, life becomes vibrant. Today, too, a junior who has become indispensable to my routine was hanging out at my place. This impish junior was caught off guard by the story of my past that I shared. It was regarding the incident with Reina Aisaka. After a brief pause, Shinohara exclaimed, “What?” in a bewildered voice. Ignoring her immediate reaction, we had a dialogue spanning several minutes. "But that scene is undeniably a fact. It can't just be a misunderstanding," I remarked. Eagerly, Shinohara responded, "Senior! I mean, I knew nothing about this affair! You're saying I got cheated on too?" "I hadn't told you," I admitted. "Why not!?" Shinohara flailed her arms in protest. There was one occasion when I could have mentioned it. It was after a post-exam drinking party during the second year when we lay sprawled in the same bed. At that time, I decided not to divulge it to Shinohara, thinking it was a past event. While I always trusted her, my trust in her had deepened even further now, influencing my decision to share my past. "Then you understand how I felt when Senior Yūdō cheated on me, right? It made you mad, didn’t it?" "No, I was just devastated," I corrected her. "You have a surprisingly strong mental... well, maybe that’s just normal." "The intensity of feelings and the duration of the relationship were different." "That’s true... But doesn’t this immediate agreement make me come across as a terrible woman?" "It does." "Please deny it!" Raising the corners of my mouth at her protest, I took a swig from a nearby bottle, quenching my thirst while reflecting. There was another thing that intrigued me. It concerned how Natsuki had been treating me lately. After lectures, she'd make suggestions. It seemed less like she was conveying something for my benefit and more as if for someone else's. ...Natsuki was Reina's friend. Taking that into account, I had a feeling who the suggestions were intended for. Presumably, Natsuki knew about the relationship between Reina and me. Hints came from Natsuki's actions at the Valentine’s party, where she'd engineered our encounter, and her cryptic words during Green's welcome event. It implied that Natsuki and Reina were closer than ordinary friends. One day during a lecture, when I forgot my pen, Natsuki's words were: "I’ll lend it if you ask, but not unless you do." Natsuki hadn’t conveyed such an obvious message because I forgot my pen. There likely was some disparity in understanding between Reina and me that Natsuki was aware of. Considering everything, perhaps I needed to revisit it all. However, stepping back into that matter was somewhat daunting. "Senior, are you listening?" "I still believe I was cheated on, but like I said, she... cried." "You’re not listening at all..." Shinohara sighed and replied, "Some women out there cry even after cheating. Aren’t you overthinking it, Senior?" "That might be true, but I'm going." "Suddenly?!" Noticing Shinohara’s shock out of the corner of my eye, I deliberated further. Sure, there could be plenty of women like the one Shinohara described. Whether the dream I had the previous night had triggered something, who could say? Yet, in that one year together, I was genuinely happy. That's why, when it fell apart, the damage was significant. I wanted to affirm that one year one final time. If I glossed over it without settling it in my mind, I might end up repeating the same in adulthood. Confronting the uncomfortable parts of oneself head-on is where growth stems from, so this was an action for me. Rising to my feet, I spoke to Shinohara one last time. "The reason I finally told you about the cheating now is that I trust you more than before." "Huh." "Well, see you later." "W-Wait a second!" Just two steps away, a firm grip yanked me back by the collar. "A gorilla?" "Thank you for likening me to a mammal." "That reaction isn't normal…" I muttered, exasperated. Shinohara’s cheeks relaxed as she replied. "There's no one who wouldn’t be happy to hear about growing closer, you know. I really like that about you, Senior. So, I'll forgive anything as long as it's phrased like a mammal analogy!" "I see... Is that so pleasing?" "It is! Aren’t you happy to be told 'I like you' by me? You must be, thank you!" "Stop concluding everything on your own!" As I retorted, Shinohara burst into laughter. Indeed, receiving affection from someone close brings undeniable joy. Her candid expression of happiness was heartening for me. Conversely, negative words often are best left unsaid, steering clear of them leads to smoother sailing in numerous instances. “If it isn’t said, you wouldn’t understand, right?” Natsuki’s words echoed. Perhaps they were criticizing me for leaving the venue. A recommendation might have been offered to me, who refused to listen until the end. Though it might seem pointless to inquire now, since I had somewhat grasped Natsuki’s intentions, to ignore action would be nothing short of evasion. "Even if Reina was just holding hands with a cousin, I’m still on your side, Senior." "...Why? If we were to suppose that scenario true, I'd undeniably be the villain here." The scene I witnessed wasn't a mere instant, measured in tenths of a second. Rather, it spanned a few seconds, which, however short it seemed, felt excruciatingly long. That much, I could still vividly recall. If there were indeed circumstances that provided a clear justification for that incident, I might have become someone deserving of Natsuki’s reproach. ...But speculating about this here solves nothing. As I made my way back out into the hallway, this time Shinohara didn’t try to stop me. Instead, her voice followed me from behind. "Facing the past surely takes courage, doesn't it?" "...Who knows. Maybe a time will come when you'll need that courage too, Shinohara." As I tied my shoelaces, I bit my lip in regret over my words. Here I was, fleeing myself, yet speaking to my junior as if I had the situation under control. I was thoroughly disgusted with myself for unconsciously displaying such trivial vanity. ──In that instant, I felt a warm touch on my back. Turning around, I saw the top of Shinohara's head in front of me. Her hand gently rested on my back, causing my body to stiffen unintentionally. "You know, at one point, I too found solace in the thought that ‘the present exists because of the past.’ I like who I am now... I want to like myself even more." "...So you’ve had your own moments like that?" There were times I sensed this from her behavior before. However, it was rare for Shinohara to voluntarily speak about her past. "When you feel like talking, you talk. That's your style, right, Senpai? It’s the same for me now. That’s why I'm genuinely happy you shared today. It makes me realize just how much closer we've become." Trust and voicing what’s in your heart aren’t directly equivalent. Still, I hoped that one day Shinohara would share with me. She likely harbored similar feelings towards me. That’s why she shared her warmth with me, directly conveying this warmth of trust. "Take care, Senpai." "Yeah, I will." Having this junior waiting for me at home lightened my steps a little. There were a few people I needed to meet. The first one was already decided in my mind.