146 - I Unknowingly Rejected My Favorite

EP.146 #146. Solo Concert I wanted to ask whether they could possibly postpone the shoot, or at least allow me to arrive a bit earlier or later today. If there is one thing I desperately wish for, it would be this. From the moment I started working, from the moment I signed that contract, all I ever truly wanted was one thing. Please let my beloved Luca shine a bit more. Not being able to see Luca's solo concert is... No. Why am I even doing this? I just want to see that one thing. I’m doing this to watch Doa have fun and look amazing on stage. But this is all just my circumstance. Recalling the atmosphere on set, my body shook with a learned fear. Going to the director and saying, 'Can you postpone the shoot so I can watch my favorite virtual YouTuber's concert?' was never going to work. Even achieving great feats would make it near impossible, and if I, who was always holding others back, brought up something like this… “Uh... Manager…” “Yes?” “By chance, when do you think we might finish today?” “Since it's a night shoot, we’ll likely be here until early morning, won't we?” “There won’t be any chance of finishing early, right...?” If my intent falls short, all that's left to wish for is a miracle. The manager, with their foot on the brake, sighed. “If Taemin does well without any mistakes, we might wrap up a bit earlier.” Since there wasn’t anything incorrect in what he said, I rested my chin in my hand and looked out the window. Yeah. If only I don’t act strangely, we’ll finish early. Guess that sounds about right. I practiced really hard. Doa was also busy with the concert nearing, and there were many days I practiced at the studio till my voice gave out before heading back. The company told me to say anything I needed, and even the tutor assisted with lessons from morning till 10 PM. However, the last scrap of confidence was gone, denying me the ability to showcase 100% of my skills during practice, and no improvement was in sight for my image. Trying hard wasn’t the important part. Being good was what mattered. It has been a period where I felt firsthand just how uncompromising the adult world is. “I talked with your teacher, too. She said your acting is getting better and that you can do it.” The manager, perhaps noticing my lack of a response, offered words of encouragement from the side. “...Really?” “It's not right to tell you not to lose heart and then say this, but, Taemin, very few newbies are good from the start. If they are, they’re not newbies.” With his fair share of experience, the manager shared various stories. In the idol field, they don’t expect anything from newcomers and don’t say such things either. The director does everything with affection, hoping Taemin succeeds, you know. Filtering the uncomforting words through one ear and out the other, I stepped out of the vehicle. Today’s shooting location was a company office set. Various equipment was neatly organized in front of the escalator. Though I greeted everyone with a forced smile, the warm and animated feeling from the first shoot wasn’t there. I knew well enough that not everyone particularly liked me. “Let's begin. Cue.” Yeah. If I don't make any mistakes, I might catch at least the end of the concert. “Chief, I really don’t want to act harshly towards you.” “You have children overseas, don't you? They’d be really sad if their father lost his job.” The first scene involved a conversation inside the office. Taking a sip of the coffee from my teacup, I put on a sinister smile aimed at him. “I’m not really fond of such heartbreaking tales myself.” Each step I took echoed sharply with distinct shoe clicks. “This is the last.” Approaching the actor playing the chief, I bent down to meet their eyes. “There’s no next time.” The chief’s trembling pupils met mine. “Cut!” Returning to a standing posture at the director's shout, I turned to face them. “Let’s move to the next scene.” Though there wasn't any praise or critique, the hidden thrill of completing it in a single take surfaced. If things continue like this, can we finish early? On break, I briefly checked my phone. The notification for Luca’s concert starting was pinned at the top. ...It's started by now. The intro must have been exceptionally flashy, right? What song are they singing now, I wonder. The PingDuckDuck guys are probably drooling over the avatars. Even if I can't hear it, should I sneak a peek? Wow... The viewer count has exceeded 40,000. So many people are watching. In front of that many people, with the song I provided... Swallowing nervously, I put my phone away and pulled out the script. Right. I can watch the whole thing through replay when I get home. Better that than getting spoiled stumbling upon random bits. The next scene I was scheduled to shoot was a dialogue with the female lead in front of the company lobby. After receiving the signal to start, I composed myself once more and looked at her with an emotionless face. “You... Don’t take me lightly.” “I never did.” It was a scene filled with a fierce battle of nerves. Playing the female lead, she glared at me with a hostile expression. “Do you really think Taeseong would even budge by what you’re doing?” “Well, if all of this is because of Shin Hoe-yeon’s machinations...” I injected as much eeriness into my voice as I could muster, staring with intensity. “I won't leave you be.” “Cut!” I believed I delivered my lines flawlessly without mistakes. I fervently hoped for an okay sign. “Taemin.” The director, having finished monitoring, called my name. “Yes.” “I think it’d be better if you go a bit more fiercely. It's too gentle right now.” “Understood!” Is this considered gentle? Though I said okay, I pondered how I should convey fiercer since I truly believed I had done so. Regardless, I maintained a sharp demeanor while repeating the same acting. “Taemin, why are you doing it the same way? Try to be even more fierce, convey a more chilling feeling?” ...Is this still not right? I really don’t know how to do it better than this. This wasn't school. There was no teacher here who’d smile warmly and answer your questions. Though I couldn’t find the answer on my own, the slate clapped shut once more. It was during the seventh repetition of the exact same scene. “Han Taemin!” Having experienced it once before, I knew well what that shout meant. It was a sign that the director’s patience had reached its limit. “I told you to act fiercely! You can’t do this scene with such a dumb, gentle face! How many times do I have to tell you the same thing?” “...I’m sorry.” But I really don’t know. I genuinely don’t know what to do. When I was in lessons, they said that this was enough. Despite gripping tightly, it wasn’t enough to stop my shaking hands. “If I gave you feedback, you should listen to it! Right? Or do you think my words are trivial? What is it? Seriously.” “Sorry.” I needed to apologize, but I couldn’t catch my breath. The anxiety intensified with the trembling. A pain surged as if someone was choking me. “Ugh...” “...Are you okay?” Succumbing to the distress and dropping to the floor, the director and staff rushed toward me. “I’m sorry...” That was my last memory before losing consciousness. * * * [Everyone~ Thank you so much for being with us today~] Inside the VR world, where countless avatars were waving their light sticks in support. It was now time to bring the exhilarating solo concert to a close. [I truly think today was an experience I’ll never forget, and I hope you continue to love us, Closer!] Winking by closing one eye, the light sticks shook even more vigorously from side to side. [We’ve got solo concerts planned for the other members too, so look forward to it~ Bye~] With a final wave, the concert concluded. Taking off the VR headset, I was drenched in sweat but felt incredibly accomplished. I wish my brother could have seen this. Did he manage to see even a little? Since he mentioned a shoot, it felt odd to reach out first, so I made sure to extend my gratitude to all the staff and members who helped with the concert. Being a VR world concert, there wasn't any wrap-up party, though it made things more convenient, I couldn't help but feel just a tinge of wistfulness. Maybe when Closer wraps up, it would be nice to gather all the members for a meal. Seated on a mini-sofa inside the studio, I finally took out my phone to check. A few calls had come in from my brother's number. Finished already? Yet, something seemed peculiar. The calls came in while I was in the middle of the concert performance. He knew I was broadcasting. Was it a mistake? I wasn’t sure, but decided to call back to verify. [Hello.] [Hello?] A stranger’s voice greeted me instead of my brother’s. Startled, I asked cautiously about his identity. [Who... who is this?] [Is this Kim Doa?] [Yes, it is...] My brother... collapsed...? How...? Why...? Even before getting an answer, my feet had already started dashing out of the studio to rush outside.