145 - I Unknowingly Rejected My Favorite

EP.145 #145. Things Unaccomplished. Things that must be accomplished. Things left undone. "Taemin, I've spoken with the teacher, so you can receive a lesson tomorrow at 10." "...Yes." "I think it would be better if you review the script and practice a bit more today before you come tomorrow." "...Yes. Thank you." "Then please make sure to come out on time by 8." Casually exchanging goodbyes and stepping out of the car, I looked up at the darkened night sky instead of heading straight home. The air was so murky that no stars were visible. "Sigh..." If I smoked, I could probably go through an entire pack. Unwilling to return home empty-handed, I wandered to the bus stop and bought two bottles of soju. With each step, the bottles clinked against each other, ringing through the night. I also needed to contact Doa... Should I say I fell asleep because I was tired? Today, I simply wasn't in a state to hide my feelings. Just hearing her voice might make me burst into tears. It was tough. Just so tough. Thoughts of quitting plagued me, but then there was the contract. With only a few weeks left, the contract weighed heavily upon me. Even if I conveyed that I couldn't go on, I would have to endure for at least a few more weeks. Suddenly, a headache crashed down on me, as if someone struck my brain with a hammer, and I reached out to grasp the nearby lamppost for support. What is this? What's happening? The grip on the lamppost tightened involuntarily. Breathing became labored, and my legs trembled. Once the brief pain subsided and my breathing calmed, I climbed back uphill. Now even my own body is rebelling against me. Are you angry that I fumbled my lines? As if having the director's criticism wasn't enough. Ascending the stairs with a frustrated grumble, I unlocked the door and stepped inside, my eyes widening at the sight of shoes that weren't mine. Did Doa leave her shoes here...? No, they weren't there when I left this morning. "...Oppa." Just as I set the soju bottles on top of the refrigerator, I nearly screamed at the unexpected presence inside. "Wha-? Doa. Why are you here?" She had the door code, so entering wasn't surprising, but her being here was unexpected. Instead of answering, Doa leaned into my embrace. Had something troubling happened...? Unaccustomed to seeing her like this, I awkwardly patted her head. "...Are you alright? What's going on?" "...And you, oppa?" "What?" Unexpectedly, she asked if I was alright. "Are you alright?" She wouldn’t know. She shouldn’t know how things are going for me outside. Hearing her seemingly meaningful response, I mustered a practiced smile from my acting class. "Oh, I did great today." Despite not accomplishing anything properly, I shamelessly lied to her. Doa hung her head low. "...Doa?" "Why do you keep lying?" "Uh...?" Tears, like dew, glittered in her eyes as she looked up again. "Why are you lying to me... like this..." Her words blurred with her tears. "No... When did I lie—" "You got scolded!" I didn't get the chance to finish my sentence. Her sharp voice filled the space instead. "You got scolded harshly today! Oppa... So why didn’t you tell me..." Tears, like gentle streaks, rolled down her cheeks. "Am I not someone you can rely on...?" "It's not that, Doa. It's not like that..." "Why are you lying... to me..." How did she know? Did she see it? And if she did, what exactly did she see? Though questions swirled in my mind, comforting her took precedence. "If it's so hard... you can just stop... Go and tell them you can't do it..." Apparently, my acting failed me once more as tears welled up in my eyes, too. "I'm okay. Doa. I just had an off-day today, usually it's not this bad, really." I bit my lips and forced a clumsy smile. However, her next words utterly shattered me. "Coming home late every night, practicing intensely every day, I’ve seen it all..." Doa, unable to finish her words, collapsed into my arms, sobbing miserably. Indeed. You were the first one to be on my side today, Doa. My heavy heart now made sense... It had been a day without a single ally. Instead of making excuses, I tightened my embrace. “Aiheu... Why do you keep pushing yourself like this…” “I’m sorry... I'm truly sorry...” A day filled with apologies. Inside and out, all I could do was say sorry for this sin-laden day. It took quite some time before her sobbing subsided. I hadn’t even opened my bag to practice as my manager instructed. With her face swollen from crying, Doa fiercely clung to my pillow, giving me a pointed look. “...Now tell me. Why did you lie?” Why would I? Because I’m your boyfriend. It's embarrassing. How can I tell my girlfriend that the director threw a megaphone at me for messing up? How can I tell her that filming was halted and the staff spent two hours trying to calm the director while I stood there sweating bullets? “I wanted to share only the good things.” “...That's not what being in a relationship means.” “You were the same, wanting to show only your best side.” “That’s different...” I handed her a tissue and patted her head gently as she sniffled. “In a relationship, you’re supposed to share your struggles with each other...” “But I just... wanted to talk about happy things at home. Really.” Listening to you talk excitedly about preparing for your solo concert made me feel like sharing how miserably my day went would be unfair. Why burden each other by discussing how I’d been broken down so thoroughly? Even if I had crawled through the mud all day, I wanted to end it with a happy conversation with you, Doa. Even if that was my selfishness. And I believed that, in this moment, this conclusion would not change anytime soon. "Oppa." "Yes." "Do you enjoy acting?" A fundamental question, though by now, it didn’t seem particularly relevant. Being on set wasn't like a high school career class. It was a breathing reality where cameras, lights, and dozens of people moved under the banner of capital. "It’s not bad, but I don’t think I'm very good at it." Despite everything, I tried to honestly respond to her question. "Then quit." "...Doa." "You know I’m not the type to tell you what to do or give unsolicited advice," Doa said, biting her lip gently. She reached out, grabbing my hand. Her warmth felt almost scorching against my fingertips. "I'll think about it." This was the best answer I could give right now. Having already received an advance payment, quitting immediately wasn’t an option. "Why not!" Frustrated by my decision, she pressed me further. Yet part of me wondered if it was okay to keep trying a bit more. Maybe it was due to my lack of practice, or maybe my efforts simply weren't enough. "You could quit, come home, and be happy watching Luca's streams, couldn't you?" Sure, happiness awaited. There was no greater happiness for me. But doing that meant I'd return to being someone with nothing to offer you. Beyond just the concert, my dream of standing alongside Luca would dissolve into an illusion. Sighing deeply with closed eyes, I leaned into Doa’s shoulder. "...I love you." “Are you just trying to gloss over this?” It could seem like I was trying to dismiss things with comforting words, but I wasn't. “No. I really do love you, Doa.” These overflowing emotions couldn’t be confined to mere words. Hearing this instead of the answer she wanted, Doa’s small hand caressed my hair. “I really love you too.” Unfulfilled by just those words, Doa leaned closer, whispering in my ear. “So let's just be happy.” Tears welled up at the word 'happy.' “Let’s live well, okay?” We lay side by side on the bed. Possibly tired from crying, Doa quickly fell asleep. But I had to face tomorrow. I quietly opened my bag and took out the script. Though I couldn’t read aloud, I could at least memorize it. Sitting at my computer with my back to the slumbering Doa, I unlocked my phone to check the notifications I'd missed. What could it be? I wasn’t expecting any messages at this hour. [03/05 Nighttime shooting scheduled.] A plain message devoid of emojis brought my world crashing down once again.