3.14 - A Story About a Married Teacher Who Becomes Obsessed With Her Female Student

Chapter Three: "In The Sea Without Borders" - Part Fourteen I used to love my husband. After taking a bath, I sat on the bed in my room and dried my hair. I couldn't bring myself to sit with him in the living room. The scent of me having been embraced by Togawa-san should have faded by now, yet I was still afraid… No, that wasn't it. I'm trying to run away again because the real reason is so horrible. But I want to face my true feelings as much as I can. The reason I'm in this room is simply because I no longer wished to be with him. Through the curtain of my hair and the bath towel, I could see my reflection in the mirror. Although I hadn't been crying or feeling down, my face bore a grim expression. What a terrible face, I thought. I reached for the hairdryer and began to dry my hair. I used to love him, right? I started doubting even that past tense. My feelings of love for my husband and Togawa-san were so vastly different, it made me question the type of affection I felt. What I got from being with husband was a sense of security, a feeling of relief. But what I felt for Togawa-san was a desire to cherish her so much that no one else could touch her, coupled with a fervent urge to push her down and roughly embrace her. This forward-leaning desire made me feel anxious whenever I thought about Togawa-san. Simply put, it's about whether or not there's a sexual desire involved. Blunt, shameless, and without a care for any appearances. Perhaps the lust I harbor is only directed towards women. I had been letting my eyes wander to my students’ chests and hips—and when that was pointed out to me, this was the only answer I could come up with. Just thinking again of Togawa-san's naked body as I'd seen it earlier fills me with such an intense emotion that I can barely breathe. With the dryer on, both my hair and fingertips felt almost burning hot. "……………………………………" Perhaps we should divorce, my husband and I. It would be better for him to part ways with someone like me, I thought to myself, but I slapped my cheeks. Don't look for external excuses to use as an escape route. Acting as if it's for the good of the other person is incredibly arrogant. I'm living my life now based purely on my own desires. At the very least, standing by that is... the bare minimum way I can face myself. Whether the guilt would lessen or not after our separation, I honestly couldn't care less. I… Even if one thing in my present life falls apart, yes, I... I'm terrified of losing my days with Togawa-san. If my husband is gone, the foundation of my life will change. There’s also the issue of how much of the divorce's circumstances I can reveal. Breaking up is a huge deal. More than anything, the idea of losing even the small amount of remaining time with Togawa-san left me feeling shrouded in darkness. Without these concerns, I would've already broached the subject of separation with my husband. It's over, I thought, looking up at the sky. Staring at the low ceiling with half-closed eyes, I don't shed a single tear. A lovesick fool of a woman who couldn't even confidently claim to have loved her husband even in the past tense. If it were someone else's affair, I'd despise her. Even now, that contempt doesn’t stop. Feeling like I don’t even have the right to sigh, I swallowed it down. Our marriage persisted because we both chose to ignore one particular point. By keeping separate bedrooms, we pretended to respect one another while isolating this issue. Surely, this too is my fault. I never once sought my husband out of my own will. I hardly remember entering my husband’s bedroom for anything other than cleaning. He never sets foot in my room, either. Perhaps out of consideration, or perhaps to avoid looking at a dull woman. I sense both reasons in our daily life. I often think it’s a wonder he doesn't have his eyes wander to other women. No—perhaps that’s simply what it means to be faithful, and not something extraordinary at all. It was something I, too, surely once possessed. Maybe I still do. The only difference is that the object of my affection has shifted from my husband to Togawa-san. Switching off the dryer, I placed it beside the vanity. My hair, still slightly damp, mingled with shadows in the room and covered my face. Turning to face forward, a monster appeared in the mirror. Invisible to anyone else, a hideous creature that retained its previous exterior. A terrible wife, who betrayed her husband and was content to savor her happiness with a nonchalant look on her face. A teacher lacking any sense of ethics, who made a move on one of her students. How did things end up this way? There's a story that begins by acknowledging this. A story about crossing a bridge that can only lead to ruin. "I've fallen in love with someone." The reason I strayed from the correct path was because of such an ordinary feeling. * * * With my arms around a female high school student, I felt a sense of elevation as I stood upon the podium. Here, I was at a higher place than anyone else. Raised high, and ready to be cast down. But from that place, I looked down on everything, on those who scorned and condemned me, and I even felt triumphant. She sat in the classroom as if it were the most natural thing in the world. I alone knew everything about this beautiful girl. I alone was connected to Togawa Rin's heart and body. I felt an overwhelming sense of superiority and possessiveness. Moving on the platform, I felt as if I were dancing. At this moment, I was dancing at the highest place in the world.