3.14 - A Story About a Married Teacher Who Becomes Obsessed With Her Female Student

Chapter Three: "In The Sea Without Borders" - Part Fourteen I used to love my husband. Sitting on my bed after a bath, I dried my hair. I couldn't bring myself to sit with him in the living room. The scent of me having been with Togawa-san should have faded by now, yet I was still afraid… No, that wasn't it. I'm trying to run away again because the reason is so horrible. But I want to face that truth as much as I can. The reason I'm in this room is simply because I no longer wished to be with him. Through the curtain of my hair and the towel, I could see my reflection in the mirror. Although I hadn't been crying or feeling down, my face bore a grim expression. What a terrible face, I thought. I reached for the hairdryer and began to dry my hair. I used to love him, right? I started doubting even that past tense. My feelings for my husband and Togawa-san were so vastly different, it made me question the type of affection I felt. What I got from being with him was a sense of security, a feeling of relief. But what I felt for Togawa-san was a desire to keep her so precious that no one else could touch her, coupled with a fervent urge to push her down and roughly embrace her. This forward-leaning desire made me feel anxious whenever I thought of her. Simply put, it's about whether or not there's a sexual desire involved. Blunt, shameless, and without a care for appearances. Perhaps the lust I harbor is only directed towards women. Even without realizing it, I had gotten pointed out for how I often seemed interested in the chests or lower halves of my students, and this was the answer to that observation. Just thinking again of Togawa-san's naked body as I'd seen it earlier fills me with such an intense emotion that I can barely breathe. With the dryer on, both my hair and fingertips felt almost burning hot. "……………………………………" Perhaps we should separate, my husband and I. Imagining that it would be better for him to part ways with someone like me, even starting to entertain such an idea, I slapped my cheeks. Don't seek reasons outside to use as an escape route. Acting as if it's for the good of the other person is incredibly arrogant. I'm living now based purely on my own desires. At the very least, standing by that is... the bare minimum way I can face myself. Whether the guilt of our separation would lessen or not, I honestly couldn't care less. I… Even if one thing in my present life falls apart, yes, I... I'm terrified of losing my days with Togawa-san. If he’s gone, the foundation of my life will change. There’s also the issue of how much of the divorce's circumstances I can reveal. Breaking up is a huge deal. The idea of losing even the small amount of remaining time with Togawa-san left me feeling shrouded in darkness most of all. Without these concerns, I would've already broached the subject of separation with him. It's over, I thought, looking up at the sky. Staring at the low ceiling with half-closed eyes didn't bring forth even a single tear. I couldn't even confidently claim to have loved my husband even in the past tense—just a foolish woman ruled by her romantic whims. If it were someone else's affair, even I'd despise her. Even now, that contempt doesn’t stop. Feeling like I don’t even have the right to sigh, I swallowed it down. Our marriage persisted because we both chose to ignore one particular point. By keeping separate bedrooms, we pretended to respect one another while isolating this issue. Surely, this too is my fault. I never once sought my husband out of my own will. I hardly remember entering my husband’s bedroom for anything other than cleaning. Nor does he come to my room. Perhaps out of consideration, or perhaps to avoid looking at a dull woman. I sense both reasons in our daily life. I often think it’s a wonder he doesn't have his eyes wander to other women. Though, that would be what's considered honest and not out of the ordinary. Certainly, I too used to have it. Maybe I still do. The only difference is that the object of my affection has shifted from my husband to Togawa-san. Switching off the dryer, I placed it beside the vanity. My hair, still slightly damp, mingled with shadows in the room and covered my face. Turning to face forward, a monster appeared in the mirror. Invisible to anyone else, a hideous creature that retained its previous exterior. A terrible wife, betraying her husband yet savoring happiness with a placid face. A teacher who oversteps boundaries with a student, lacking any sense of ethics. How did things end up this way? There exists a story that starts by acknowledging this. Simply crossing the bridge to ruin, that’s all there is. "I've found someone I like." The reason for straying off the path was such an ordinary feeling. With my arms around a female high school student, I felt a sense of elevation as I stood upon the podium. Here, I was at a higher place than anyone else. Raised high, and ready to be cast down. Yet, even as I elevated over everything that might scorn or criticize me, I felt triumphant. Sitting, as if belonging in the classroom, was she. I alone knew everything about this beautiful girl. Only I was connected to Togawa Rin's heart and body. I felt an overwhelming sense of superiority and possessiveness. Moving on the platform, I felt as if I were dancing. At this moment, I was dancing at the highest place in the world.