4.6 - A Story About a Married Teacher Who Becomes Obsessed With Her Female Student

Chapter 4: Quiet As The Depths of The Earth - Part Six In the middle of the night, after returning to my bedroom, I pick up my phone. This device, filled with secrets and ruin, always feels light in my hands. I scroll through our previous conversations. Aware that creating such undeniable evidence will eventually lead to my downfall, I read everything again. The exchanges reveal just how unfit I am as a teacher and how anti-social a person I am. Yet, a sense of embarrassment and a smile soften my cheeks. Am I stupid? I shouldn't feel happiness from such trivial interactions, yet I can't prevent myself from being happy. I feel so fulfilled, I could live on just those memories. And there it is, once again. Something fun comes from the other side. 'Sensei, are you awake?' It was unexpected, arriving just as I was reviewing our messages, and it startles me a bit. Imagining that Togawa-san is also sitting on her bed like me, my fingers start to move. 'I'm about to go to sleep. Is something wrong?' 'No, just thinking about how much fun today was.' Recalling the events of the evening, I curl my toes tightly against the floor. 'It was fun, right? I think... it was fun... but was it really fun...? No, it was fun, right?' Caught in this inner conflict, I mistakenly send the message without editing it. Words, much like actions, once sent, cannot be taken back. What is known cannot be unknown. 'Did it feel good, then?' From the other side of the text, I can almost see Togawa-san's mischievous smile. It's the kind of smile she has when she's teasing me, slipping deeper into my mind. When I see myself reflecting back in the mirror, conversing with a student like this, I consciously try to keep my head down. 'Togawa-san, you're so naughty.' 'But you were the one who initiated today~' She hits me right where it hurts. She’s right, of course, but I want to believe that maybe ten percent of the blame lies with Togawa-san, too. I mean, when she comes so close, showering me with those little kisses ... my eyes heat up as if someone had bandaged them. She knows perfectly well I can’t withstand that, and yet she does it anyway. So yes, Togawa-san is quite at fault, too. Why should I be the only one condemned? 'It's because Togawa-san is such a bad woman.' 'I wonder what makes it feel so good?' Ignoring my excuses, she retaliates with forceful words. "It feels good." It feels good. It makes me gesture wildly with my hands. In the evening, too, Togawa-san had confidently said such things. Is this the straightforwardness of youth? Her assurance was so clear it almost felt reliable. In those moments. When we make love. I can tell from her expression that Togawa-san isn’t bored, that she really does feel something. And yet, the mixture of embarrassment and relief sends me spiraling into an unstable state. My heart has no place to rest; wherever I set it down, it immediately fidgets and shifts again. 'Is it because Sensei is good at it?' It's not something I've ever paid attention to, and when faced with Togawa-san naked body, I'm just too engrossed, leaving no room for technique, at least in my mind. If anything, thinking about our past experiences, it feels like things are moving toward something more explicit, making me want to cover my face. 'Shall we change the topic?' 'Okay. Then, send me a naughty selfie.' My eyes dart from left to right, like a plane taking flight. 'That's not really changing the topic, is it?' 'It's just your imagination.' 'What brought this on, all of a sudden?' 'Because I just felt like it.' 'But why?' 'Asking why is sexual harassment, Sensei.' Requesting a naughty selfie is surely more like sexual harassment. 'I won't send one.' 'Why not?' 'Because it's sexual harassment.' Besides, after all... 'Aside from selfies, you see me directly, don't you?' Even today. There wasn't a part of Togawa-san's body I hadn't seen, and vice versa. The sensation of touching and being touched. Our usual heights had altered, and now, reflecting upon it, Togawa-san's eyes and bare skin, looking up at me, return to my mind, plaguing my conscience. Accompanied by the sound of bubbling, I felt like I was drowning. 'It's different from that, Sensei.' 'Sorry, Sensei isn't very knowledgeable, so I don't understand that sort of thing.' In truth, I understand it instinctively. Making someone do such a thing, making them send it, including those kinds of actions... never mind. If I seriously put it into words like this, I'll never be able to sleep. 'Besides, if we keep doing such things...' 'It'll be fine' No, it won't be fine. 'I would become EroticSelfie Itsuki' Having sent the message, I nearly burst into tears, thinking how pathetic it was. And then, strangely, I thought the phrasing sounded nice, and as I repeated it, I want to cry again. 'Go on, be that.' 'I absolutely don't want to.' 'I've told you before, I dislike your last name, Sensei.' The sharp splinter scrapes across my skin, leaving a mark. Usually hidden, Togawa-san's aggressiveness reveals itself when speaking of my husband. Previously, I evaded its meaning, but now I accept it, having no choice but to face it head-on. 'Sensei, do you like me?' She suddenly asks a question that seems unnecessary, leaving me puzzled and squinting. 'Do you think I don't like you?' 'If so—' It's as if Togawa-san is speaking right in front of me, and her words trail off. If so... a pause follows. I thought I could hear Togawa-san take a deep breath. 'Never mind. How about something erotic?' 'I don't have anything like that.' 'Then a regular selfie will do.' The bar had been lowered. Or perhaps raised, in a way. 'I don't really want to show my face after taking off my makeup. Can it wait until tomorrow?' Though, she has already seen me collapse from a hangover with my face and hair a mess. Perhaps it doesn't change anything at this point. 'If it can wait until tomorrow, that's fine. Tomorrow, I might not feel like a selfie; I might just want to see you, Sensei.' Everything she says is so cute, tickling at my throat, causing me to sigh, "Ah." I'm easily captivated. 'Hey, what's your real last name, Sensei?' When she says "real," it feels as if this current one is a fake... It might be true, I laugh bitterly to myself. I no longer deserve to bear the same last name as my husband. Tracing my thumb along the dusty family name I haven't used in so long, I type: 'Maekawa.' Recalling the mailbox from my family home and the nameplate, its surface faded and meaningless. 'Maekawa Itsuki.' The first thing I was given upon entering this world. My father, before passing, had said that regardless of gender, this was the name chosen. Apparently, the Maekawa family, including our relatives, have a strangely large number of names that are derived from nature. The areas where our relatives live are far from where we live, so we had almost no contact with them. I do remember, though, the relatives gathering for my wedding, including a particularly tall child, taller than Togawa-san now, named, yes, Taiyo. 'Nice to meet you.' I wonder what feelings Togawa-san had when she typed that. As a modern Japanese language teacher, that's perhaps the kind of comprehension I need to teach. I'll just overlook the time and situation. 'I'm Maekawa Itsuki, your homeroom teacher.I look forward to working with you.' I inscribe the name on a mental chalkboard, as Togawa Rin's only teacher. 'Sensei, your name has 'kawa'(川) too.' 'Yes, it does.' 'A matching set.' Attached to her message was a peace sign emoji. Such a small thing brought her joy, and for the first time, I felt happy I had this surname. Then, without missing a beat, Togawa-san registers our marriage. 'Maekawa Rin' Marriage? I was about to reply with that when a smidgeon of rationality kicked in. Surprisingly. 'Adoption?' 'I'd be happy if Sensei became my naughty mother too.' "Naughty" was unnecessary. And would it really be fine? I wondered. 'If I became your mother, Togawa-san, I'd never let you feel lonely.'