Chapter 18 - The Girl Wants to Be M*rdered

Episode 18. Daydream. --- I like people who are kind. I’m not referring to the banal dichotomy of good and evil that lacks both excitement and emotion. The ones I speak of are those who genuinely empathize with the pain of others as if it were their own and share tears when someone else is grieving. Such beautiful actions warm the heart just by watching from afar, stirring up something indescribable from within. To me, they are like the stars shimmering brilliantly in the sky. When I lost my way, they would come to me, acting as beacons that guided me to my path. When I lived solitarily, they became delightful companions by my side. Therefore, I find those kinds of people incredibly admirable, lovable, and likable. I wished for them to grow and reach great heights. More than someone like me, a worthless heap of trash and bugs, they are the ones truly deserving of such positions. Good people deserve rewards that befit them. Yet, just like trees need water and nutrients to grow, sacrifices are necessary for growth. However, imposing such a miserable fate on those who are living their one precious life, eventually to be consumed by someone else, is far too cruel. Thus, this is a task only I can undertake. I’ll strive for it. Even if it means offering my insignificant life for her sake. And in the very end, if they could just mourn and shed tears for me, that would be enough. A single tear. A lone blossom. That is the worth of my existence. --- "....Ah.." Rumble, rumble, the distinct cold and hard sound of ceramic penetrates through the walls from afar. The irregular rhythm was enough to wake me up from my sleep. Ellie must be preparing a meal. What time is it right now? Having just awoken, my consciousness was foggy. Unable to see, I couldn’t discern whether it was morning, noon, or night. Ellie, who would tell me the time whenever I was curious, was far away now. Well, let’s just step out. When uncertain, moving forward is generally the best option. "......" I pushed aside the blanket covering me and felt around diligently to find the object I needed. Though I was receiving treatment, my left arm wasn't completely healed, so I had to make do with my relatively functional right hand. Tap, it didn't take long before I felt the familiar touch of a cane designed to match my size and weight as a child. It seemed like the fastest I’ve found it in days. Have I finally started getting used to living like this? —Wobble, wobble. "...Ooh...ugh..." Using the cane, I slowly stood up. Thud, thud. I tapped the floor in a steady rhythm as I walked. Thoughtfully, Ellie had removed unnecessary furniture so I wouldn’t stumble and hurt myself badly, given that I was blindfolded, so walking forward without much worry was possible. Thanks to her, I could simply walk in the direction of her sound without much thought, which was great. After a few steps, the smell of food grew stronger. Thud, I felt a slight elevation at my toes; probably stepping over a threshold. This must be the kitchen. The clattering sound was much louder than before. She is right in front of me. "—Ah, you're already up." "Ellie!" A clear yet polite voice greeted me. Every time I heard it, I couldn't help but think how beautiful it was. Saeli, who I affectionately called Ellie, immediately stopped whatever she was doing and rushed towards me as soon as she saw me up. You might wonder how I know this without seeing. It’s more of a feeling than a vision. Being born blind had happened quite often. Far more often, I had become blind at the hands of someone else. Sometimes, experiencing the loss of sight — the sense we rely on the most — turned out to be refreshing, even enjoyable. "It seems I might have been a bit noisy." "No, not at all." She gently took the cane from my hand and leaned it against the wall. Then, as if I were a fragile glass sculpture, she carefully embraced me. A kindness concerned with my well-being, something I hardly ever experienced in life, embraced me entirely. My parents didn't hold me gently, Remy held me with discomfort even if occasionally, and while Anna had first-rate hugging skills... her build was rather... disappointing. Hmm. I relished in her gentleness. Gentleness lies in the heart. "Hehe..." "I was planning to wake you up when breakfast was ready... It's really dangerous to wander alone?" "Hmm... I just woke up and you weren't there, so I got anxious... I'm sorry..." "I see." She softly stroked my hair. Her touch, as if she were handling a fragile bubble that would burst at the slightest touch, was so delicate it was hard to notice unless I focused. Yet even such a gentle touch made me smile uncontrollably. Being in her warm embrace was making the sleep I had momentarily forgotten resurface. Ah, but I need to eat... Still, I’m so sleepy. I want to stay like this for just a bit longer. "Really... there's nothing I can do, huh." "Hehe..." I decided to savor her kindness a little more before breakfast. --- The meal was a clear porridge-like soup. There’s nothing much more to say. I couldn’t taste it, nor could I see it. Ellie apologized for only being able to prepare such a meal. She said it couldn't be helped since my organs and body weren’t fully healed yet, so I had to avoid strong foods. As for me, I didn’t care much as I wasn’t someone who savored the taste and aroma of food, but rather the dedication and love embedded in it. The soup had a thick texture and adhered smoothly to my mouth. After a few spoonfuls. Clunk, the spoon hit the empty plate. I've finished eating. "Ellie! It was so delicious!" "It was a rather lacking meal." "No, really!" "Ha ha..." The meal ended quite swiftly. The portions were meticulously adjusted so they wouldn't strain my body, and the temperature was perfect for easy consumption. I really appreciate people who pay attention to such minute details. If you don’t have interest and affection, you can’t possibly do such things. After the meal, Ellie helped move me back to my room. Clinging to her like a baby koala, I relished the brief journey. Dangling along. "~♬" "It's dangerous if you wobble—" After passing through a few rooms and corners, she gently placed me on the bed. The feeling of the mattress, which was far from soft, welcomed me. Phew, I then heard a tiny sigh escape her lips. A routine that followed breakfast every morning. "—Is it 'disinfection' time, Ellie?" "....Yes." "Ugh... It's going to hurt, but I’ll endure!" "....Yes." Her response was unusually brief and delivered with a long pause. What thoughts might be running through her mind as she looks at me? I sensed a slight tremor in Ellie’s hands. Her breathing was becoming slightly labored and fast. Guilt, sorrow, and — excitement, those emotions were present. Since I can't see, it's difficult to fully discern. I need to see her expressions for a precise judgment. Disinfection. Ellie referred to her actions by that name. I stretched my arms out as far as I could managed. Ellie’s hands approached and began unbuttoning my clothes one by one. With practiced hands, she began undressing me, and I felt a cool liberation as the breeze from an open window tickled my entire body. The top came off first, followed by the bottom. Then, the bandages on my stomach, calves, and left hand were all removed. Finally, she placed her hand on the bandage over my eyes, speaking softly. ".....When even one eye moves, the other moves with it, so to avoid further injuring the damaged one, you must keep them closed despite the itchiness." "Got it, Ellie." "......You’re such a good child. Yes, very good." The bandage around my eyes slipped off. Though my eyes remained closed, the absence of the bandage allowed light to pierce through my eyelids and strike my retinas. It's bright. And I'm curious. Sister, surely all of your words are correct. But you know— —Was it really necessary to wrap them so tightly, even though my eyeballs themselves aren't damaged? The more I understand her, the more interesting she becomes. The medicine seemed to be a blend of herbs gathered nearby, and the bandages appeared to be made from torn cloth, looking uneven and crude. How did she manage to keep me alive, I wonder. Surely, the secret must lie in the actions now being performed. I felt an urge to open my eyes and uncover Ellie’s secret, but being the good child I was, I diligently kept them closed. Opening my eyes would disrupt our relationship. I adhered to the warning my long-built instincts gave me. Yes. Not yet, not yet. Just a little longer, until she truly treasures me. Until she's left with attachment and sorrow for me. Until then, I'll wait. "—Then, I’ll begin." ".....Okay." Well, since I've planted the seed, it will soon sprout. I’ll endure until then. Her whisper-like words sounded right next to me. The breath that brushed my ear felt ticklish, making me want to withdraw, but my one free and intact right hand was already entwined with Ellie’s left. Behind me, her hands wrapped around me. Like a predator preparing to feast on its prey. "....." "....." Squeak, squeak. I heard breathing. Was it mine, or was it hers? Periodic warm breaths swept over my eyes. It felt as though she was breathing life into what had died. From what I know, disinfecting is typically done using an antiseptic to prevent secondary infections caused by bacteria in open wounds. Ellie’s form of disinfection seems to hold a slightly different meaning. Indeed, it's curious. Yet, how could a ten-year-old child raised exclusively in a palace, who doesn't even know their own name properly, be aware of such 'common sense'? Perhaps, instead, she might think this is 'normal'? So I did not question and obediently followed her lead. With an attitude that would trust her words if she declared night to be day. Ellie. The more I learn about you, the more intrigued I become. What are you hiding, dear sister? For now, I’ll feign ignorance. Just for the moment. "....—I'm sorry." "....??" I apologize, it seemed like such a phrase suddenly whispered past my ear. Absorbed in my own thoughts, I had missed her words. I was about to ask a question, but her arms wrapped tighter around me before I could. Tightly. And then— —Slurp. "—Ahhh!?" "........Haa." A warm, moist sensation began to lick my eyes. Though mentally prepared, the resolve crumbled, and my mouth involuntarily cried out. This was a sensation I'd been subject to numerous times over the past few days, yet could never grow accustomed to. Slurp, slurp.