Chapter 19 - The Girl Wants to Be M*rdered

**Chapter 19 - Regret** Did you know that the human body can distinguish between pain inflicted to damage and attack it, and pain that doesn’t affect one's physical health? And the latter type, often due to the release of endorphins, can sometimes transform into pleasure for those who become accustomed to such sensations. There's an adage that says, "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger." Of course, the true meaning of that saying is unrelated to the grotesque scenario I'm about to describe. It holds philosophical value understood by graduate students of philosophy or people of ancient Greece, not a reference to base matters like this. I used it simply because it fits this situation too perfectly. Have you ever experienced something like this? When massaging a part of your body suffering from muscle aches or soreness with intense pressure? Or picking at a scab on a long gash with your fingernail? Applying medicine to an ulcer in your mouth or squeezing pus from an inflamed wound? The sensation when alcohol hits a cut made by a sharp object. Acts that are unbearably painful and make you want to stop immediately, yet strangely addictive enough that you wish they wouldn't end. A mysterious catharsis that rises from deep inside your chest. Yes, that’s what I am feeling right now. “Huaa, ah, aah—!?” "........." With the bandage undone, something slick moved across my exposed wound. A human tongue. Every time Ellie’s tongue grazed over my sore, my tightly shut mouth would slacken, letting out faint sounds. My body involuntarily twitched as if struck by a current, but her legs, hands, and her soft physique were wrapped around me, refusing to let go. I was at a loss, reduced to futile struggles. It’s as if a snake is constricting its prey to death. Just like that. In the end, the snake would open its jaws wide and swallow the prey whole. In one gulp. Completely. Gulp. “Muht... ha...haa.. S-stop...sister...please...!!” ".....ㅡ" Ugh, I'm poor Aris...! Since I began living in this house, with my eyes constantly shut, my lack of sight had heightened my other senses to a keen edge. This sharpened awareness had become a curse... My mind was bombarded with unnecessary information like the direction her tongue moved, where her breath touched, and the grip of our entwined hands, things I wouldn't have noticed before. Ellie clasped my left hand, the one pierced by an arrow, and pressed her lips to it. Her tongue seemed to probe a small, coin-sized hole there. Flutter. Flutter. A shock ran through my body. I wanted to escape. I endured the pain and tried to pull my hand away. Whether she noticed or not, Ellie only tightened her grip to ensure I couldn’t break free. —Squeeze! “…Aah, it hurts! Ah...Ellie, Ellie sis—!!” "......." As a last resort, I cried out, claiming it hurt. Of course, it wasn’t unbearably painful. Because I’m me, I could endure it to this extent. If I were just an ordinary girl, I would probably be bawling. I hoped my words would make Ellie regain her senses and ease up, even a little. Part of me wanted her to feel guilty or sorry after she regained her sanity. This humiliation… someday, I’ll repay it. Yet, she seemed entranced by something, not responding at all, and her actions on my wound showed no sign of weakening. If anything, they seemed a bit more intense. “…Aaaah!!!” "......" The kind Ellie, who used to rush over whenever I was in pain, concerned for my wellbeing, was no more. Her grip on my left arm gave one of her hands freedom, but that was it. Still, unable to do anything, I merely gasped, leaning against Ellie’s body. Squeezing her sleeve tightly, I tried to stifle my moans somehow. Being less sensitive to pain only exacerbated the situation. Would it have been different if I could feel pain? As she licked my wound and sucked the inexplicable liquid pooled there, it was more soothing and ticklish rather than painful. While I am used to pain, this peculiar sensation never ceases to be unfamiliar. Why... does it seem so enjoyable... to her? “P-please, gentler—!!” "......" In times like these, I sometimes wish I had lost my sense of touch instead of taste or smell. With her continuous actions, I could no longer think clearly. My mind was clouded, like fog, with no thoughts. Coolness and warmth. Pain and affection. Conflicting emotions that cannot coexist surged through me. I merely kept my eyes shut tight, hoping she would snap out of it or that this time would end. "S-sister, get a hold... please get a hold of yourself—!!!" “…Haa.” Somehow, my body felt like an extension of hers, vibrating slightly with her movements. Every time she did, I could feel the curves of her body pressed against mine. Even pushing Ellie’s face away with my right hand yielded no success. Embarrassment. Tingly mortification. I wanted to dash away and dive under the covers. I just wanted to sleep like this. “—Huaa!? Oh, th-that... khit!” "......." Finally, her tongue left the back of my hand. As the wave of sensation ebbed, I managed to sigh in relief. It’s exhausting. "...Uh...?" “...Haa, haa.” However, as I felt Ellie's breath move lower, inch by inch down my body, my face turned pale. Her head, from my arm to my shoulder, then from my shoulder to my collarbone, was slowly and carefully inching downward. Much like a snake slithering along. Slowly, but undeniably. With each movement, the volume of my screams increased. Stop...!! Really, please stop! That place housed the largest wound on my body, one that had been pierced repeatedly before. "..A-ah....!" "........" My stomach felt like it was on fire. Disinfection was only just beginning. ** The sound of stifled groans slipped through my tightly sealed lips, unable to fully contain it. Screams of pain tore through, surpassing my threshold for suffering as I pleaded pathetically for it to stop. A storm had swept through the room. When I regained my senses, I found myself panting heavily in front of a curled-up child, seemingly having fainted on the bed. What have I done? The child's trembling indicated she had yet to escape the pain that enveloped her. Tears, still fresh, trailed down her cheeks. 'I miscalculated...!!' I lost control. Today was undoubtedly excruciating for her. “Ah.....I am...!!” “.....Sis...ter...” Even if it was just a little, enough flesh had grown over the wound to be seen. Under the guise of treatment, this ritual, akin to torture, was performed every morning. Treatment. "Yes, it's treatment. That's right..." This was all for the child’s swift recovery. So— "This is... all for her sake—" “I... don’t... want... this....” "Ah.....it hurts......" "Ellie, sister......." —Thud. “......!!” The child vanished from my sight. I felt the hard surface of a wall behind me. Only then did I realize that it wasn’t the child who moved, but myself, retreating away from her, distancing myself. At this moment, the metallic taste of blood lingered in my mouth, a taste I savored like delightful cuisine. Deceiving her for my safety, using and treating her like food—I gagged into the void. Yet, my body refused to expel the human blood I had tasted for the first time in so long. Instead, it craved more. '—Hold back. Hold it.' Using, deceiving, betraying. I felt as though I were becoming what I had always detested deep in my heart. The child’s own eyes, securely shut with all her strength, trusting implicitly in my words. Afraid that the child, already unconscious, would look at me with eyes full of resentment, I hastily removed fresh bandages and wrapped them around her eyes. I’m sorry... I’m truly sorry... "Haa... haa..." My hands moved swiftly as I bandaged her eyes. This could never truly be atonement, yet I quickly bandaged the remaining wounds, exchanging the sheets and blankets soaked with sweat and the child’s saliva. In the beginning, it was just a whim. The child who should have died alone on the cold riverbank, whom I should have personally killed if by miracle she had survived; such a frail child. But when I heard her mutter that moment, I took her home for treatment, realizing— Affection. Yes, perhaps I had grown attached. Given the child’s pure affection, bestowed upon someone like me, I found myself unwilling to let her go. Even if barely recovered, I should have sent her back when the time was opportune. While I could still bear the pain and let it pass. But I didn’t. “I know...I know too...!” I, hoping she would find even a slight peace, carefully shut the door and made my way to the kitchen. Truly hypocritical of me. For I am the monster who has made such a mess of her. I must let her go. But the child who fondly calls me 'Ellie' with those adorable lips is so precious to me— The moments when she struggles to walk with difficulty, relying on her cane to reach me, then throws herself into my care, trusting me fully—I found those moments so joyful— I was overcome with greed. Just a little longer. Until these wounds are fully healed. After that, I will return her to her family. Yet here I am, hesitating. Whether to keep her or set her free. To betray her or tell the truth. "........" As I entered the kitchen, I caught sight of the mirror in front of the table. The reflection showed none of the turmoil from earlier, just the cause of the dismal scene, expressionless, staring back at me as if to say, “What of it?” Black hair, resembling collected filth, unpleasant to touch and off-putting to look at. Eyes like a wild beast’s slit pupils, bright red like blood, a part of my body impossibly unchangeable to appear truly human. A rigid face, void of emotion, incapable of conveying feelings. 'You're... a monster...!!' '.....Why are you running from me, Alice?' A distant voice from the past had called me a monster once, indeed. Yes, a monster. I was, inevitably, a monster. What if the child discovered that the woman she cherished as family was actually a monster that preys on humans? If I revealed that I knew the past she so desperately sought and deliberately withheld it to keep her from leaving, how would she react? Treatment, that’s what it is. Every day filled with deceptive sweetness that manipulates the child, sucking her blood to alleviate pain under the pretense of healing. The truth is that I took in a child with nowhere else to turn and tightly fastened a leash around her, ensuring she had no choice but to rely on me. In doing so, I became deaf to her cries, consumed by my own selfish desires. Yes. It feels as though— —as if I've captured this child, imprisoned her, and am now rearing her. "....It's the worst. Truly the worst." Bang, I slammed my head against the table. It took quite some time before I was ready to prepare lunch. ** Erotic (Medical) Raccoon Man made a visit in-between. It's treatment. What were you imagining? No updates tomorrow.