Chapter 63 - The Girl Wants to Be M*rdered

**Chapter 63: Stop, Moment. You are, Truly Beautiful.** * * * A supremely radiant moment had arrived in my life. Their eyes glittered so brilliantly that they rivaled the blazing stars in the universe. Holding infinite potential within a seemingly eternal future, I couldn't help but wonder if such a beautiful moment would ever come to me again. Even knowing that it might blind me, I was entranced like a moth drawn to a flame, unable to look away from those dazzling sights. Ultimately, even knowing it would consume me. They were. "Tessa, Tessa!! How about this?" "...Oh, were you really looking at the camera?" Laughing, chatting, and joking around with kindred friends. "Ugh...lazy, tired...I'll just leech off Alice...wah." At times, doing nothing but gazing at the sky. Living a life grounded firmly in reality. Worries about an uncertain future that would seem meaningless even if considered, regrets over a past that would only persist in their minds—a past they couldn't change—hardly left any mark on them. To them, the present moment held far greater importance than focusing on such narrow and futile concerns. This doesn't mean they are satisfied with reality to the extent of giving up on the future. It's simply that they realized a fundamental truth of life: if they were faithful to the present, the future they desired would naturally follow. Neither obsequious nor arrogant. Neither lethargic nor hasty. Not trapped in the past, nor adrift in the future. Unlike me, simply 'existing', they are the ones truly 'living' reality. Proudly, my— Proudly— Proud— Prou? "...Huh?" Even though I couldn't see myself in the mirror, or trace the edges of my lips, I could vividly picture the expression on my face. I desperately tried to lower my head so no one could see my face and wrestled with my contorted expression, but my twisted visage refused to smooth out. No. No, it can’t be. Are you planning to show this side of yourself? But for some reason, my heavily weighed down lips refused to lift. As if they had frozen this way. Life, this endless marathon without a finish line. The direction you're heading becomes your ideal, the steps you take become a testament to your will, and the footprints you leave become etched into history in this grand journey. On this glorious path, simply looking ahead is not enough. Occasionally, they look around appreciating the vast landscapes or venture into unfamiliar roads to see new aspects of the world. By doing so, they are winners in their own right. Who can dare claim the path they chose is wrong? At least, I, who am not even allowed to stand at the starting line. Someone like me, who can only watch them from afar. I have no such right— "Right. I know it well." "Uwaaah! Aris, Tessa is teasing me—! Scold her!!" "Wh-when did I ever?" A soft impact envelops me. Clinging to me with an excited look, my kin, unable to hide her happiness and excitement despite her upset expression, approached. The librarian, clearly caught off guard as she used me as a shield, approached with a flustered expression. Normally, I would have joined the atmosphere and played the part of a clown to amuse them, but for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to do anything. Because right now, this is the best I can do. "...Hee." I became a clown with nothing but a red hue painted on my otherwise colorless lips, even denied the freedom to smile at will. A clown with traces of tears lingering in her eyes. Really. At this rate, I'm truly a Pierrot. "Why!? Just because I want to take a picture of our pretty Aris, what's wrong with spending a little money!! Right, Aris?" "...Yeah." "Oh dear... geez..." I tried to bury my face into her embrace, accepting her body hovering over mine as the best I could do. Usually, I’d be able to detect warmth with my skin, but with arms that could feel nothing more than rubber, I could no longer accept anything. Not cheeks, lips, or neck. All the areas of my body considered being sensitive could feel nothing. As if everything had emptied. Like the stuffing had all fallen out of a ragged doll. Certainly, the distance between us was just a few layers of fabric. If I reached out, I would feel their warmth. Yet, this inescapable emptiness— This distance that feels endlessly vast. What could it possibly be? I didn’t know the reason. No. "No." "Aris? What did you say?" In truth, I knew. Yes. Saying I didn’t would be a lie. I wanted to keep watching their happiness from beside them. I wanted to settle for the present, abandon the future. I wished for time to stop this way forever. I wanted to be happy like them, to have the happiness they had. Why couldn’t I be like them? That's all I thought about. This was the reason I kept wishing for death within an endless life. Jealousy lingered in my green eyes. In alignment with fate, I had only fallen to hell. "—Ah." I want to die. ** As if a heavy weight only visible to me bound my limbs, preventing me from moving forward. However, it felt as if chains descended from the ceiling, wrapping around my neck, forcing me to rise, preventing me from collapsing. It was just an ordinary winter morning, seemingly normal. "..." —Ptoo. Like any other day, I clutched my throat, which felt foreign and uncomfortable, and spat out dark, blood-tinged saliva. Thus, my day began. My throat, still feeling blocked, showed no signs of improvement, but not wanting to waste a single moment, I recalled the tasks at hand today while changing with the help of the maids. I would finish reviewing leftover documents from the previous day, draft opinions on them, greet foreign dignitaries arriving for lunch, and afterward... military training. The person in charge would likely be the steward. —Rustle, rustle. "Tonight is the banquet with the Viare Knights Kingdom—" "I know, it's under Steward Susalian's class." A schedule so packed that not a single gap existed. According to the physician, such a schedule was wrecking both my body and mind, but I paid little attention. Pushing my body and mind to their limits was something I quite enjoyed, after all. At least, when focused on something, other thoughts didn't surface. "...The fact is—the class, has been canceled." But the voice next to me delivered an unexpected negation. Unless my memory was at fault, there hadn't been news of any changes to my schedule, so it made sense for the military training to proceed as planned. Perhaps an emergency had arisen for the steward, or something else had occurred. I slowly turned my head to look at the maid who informed me of the unexpected situation. "...Eek!? Th-that is...!" "........." The blue hair caught my eye. She was likely a young lady from the Zabr family. Her overall impression reminded one of the sea, and despite being the one to initiate conversation with me, when my gaze fell upon her, she let out a small yelp and cowered. The hairpin she held in her hand clattered to the floor with a sharp metallic sound. A pitiful sight. Her uncertain, trembling demeanor caused the maids fixing my attire to watch me cautiously as well. The atmosphere, which had crumbled in an instant, choked my throat. Truly, stifling. So stifling. ".........." Suppressing the urge to spit blood once more, I quietly awaited her to calm down. While her gaze, as if seeing a ghost, didn't exactly please me, it was a burden I had to bear. I had no intention of blaming her. I didn't want to blame her. "...Think only of it as unexpected; take your time and relay the facts." "Y-yes, understood..." I didn’t know if that had any effect. However, fortunately, she quickly composed herself, smoothing her breath, and began speaking again. Was her earlier demeanor a teachable moment for herself? In contrast to her earlier display, nearing a debacle, her demeanor now showed she certainly held the resolve to serve as a maid. Of course, even so, her past mistake wouldn't be erased. Much like myself. "After the banquet with the Viare Knights Kingdom in the Hall of Mirrors, His Majesty ordered that you bring Princess Anna to her residence." "...For what reason?" Never had such an event occurred before. As my parents, who always upheld my opinions as a priority, this command's weight felt heavier than anything else. To alter my schedule unilaterally like this, without advance notice or consultation. What could they wish to discuss, canceling my schedule without a word in advance? "...That..." "I just asked what the reason was." With her words beginning to drag, I prodded icily for an answer once more. Having received a royal decree, postponing the military training wasn't a matter open to debate, but that was that, and this was this. Surely, I needed to understand why there was such urgency in calling upon me. An unexpected irregularity. A small curiosity regarding it. And the words that followed defied my expectations in more ways than one. "It seems they intend to ask you to inquire after the well-being of the second princess, who is studying in the Akkad Empire." "..." Indeed. Truly, in so many ways. It was beyond my expectations. ** * * *