Chapter 64 - The Girl Wants to Be M*rdered

### Chapter 64: Slicing Water with a Sword * * * "Please reconsider." "........." "I beg you, sincerely." Once something is broken, it cannot be restored. This painful lesson was etched deeply into the corners of my heart. Upon the unstable foundation stained with scars, the idea of building new relationships was unthinkable. Even if we managed to create something, it would merely be a facade, a deceit. Yes, that fateful day when I took Aris's life... Remi and I crossed a river of no return. Thus, if the day should come when we are to face one another again, it would be either when the embers of hatred within Remi's heart are completely extinguished, leaving no trace behind, or when one of us has perished. And yet, why? How come? "I have no intention of withdrawing this decision." "Father!!" Bang, the sound of my hand hitting the desk resounded around the room. The pile of documents, towering high to testify to the workload, scattered like fallen leaves under the force. Even the attendants standing by were startled by the noise to the point of flinching. Only the stalwart head attendant, seasoned with age, remained unfazed, not even flinching an eyebrow. Yet despite my outburst, Father, seated directly in front of me, simply met my gaze with unwavering determination, unconcerned by the ruckus. Seeing Father's resolute expression, indicating no intent of retracting his decision to send me to the Arcadian Empire, I unclenched my fist and covered my face with my hand. Really, what has the world come to? No matter how much I tried to calm down, my emotions flared uncontrollably. Though I hadn’t exerted any effort, my chest heaved visibly through my clothes, rising and falling in exaggerated motions. The harsh breaths and frantic heartbeat clearly showed that I had lost my composure amid unexpected excitement. Really, it was such a disgraceful sight that it wouldn't be surprising to be criticized by an observer. "....Phew." "Anna." Through the spaces between my fingers covering my face, I saw Father's kind eyes watching me. Even though the reason dark clouds gathered over our peaceful kingdom was entirely my fault, had I not existed, everyone might have enjoyed a happy daily life. Aris might still be alive. Yet, despite everything, Father's forest-like eyes held neither anger nor resentment, only compassion and love towards me. Thus, I couldn't bring myself to press further against him. I was always nothing more than an indecisive, powerless failure. ".....Two years have already passed." Father was the first to break the silence. His gentle and uncritical demeanor, reminiscent of speaking to a child, had a charismatic allure that commanded the atmosphere. "Even your mother and I find it hard to dispel our worries.... Though I was the one who suggested separating the two of you, isn't it time you both faced each other again?" ".........." Two years ago from now, Remi was sent off to study at Museion in the Arcadian Empire by Father's order. Initially, she thought it was a scheme on my part to distance her from political matters and use her as a pawn, causing her to vent her frustration, but in truth, it was entirely Father's plan for Remi's sake. To let Aris go in her heart. To see the wider world. To let the living continue living. While it's easy for anyone to claim they haven't lived in desolation, Remi's case was particularly severe. Not eating or drinking was just the beginning; other than sleeping, all she did was chase the ghost of the already departed Aris. Consumed by hatred and resentment, it was evident that even Remi’s physical body, crumbling from the roots, was deteriorating. Her increasingly bizarre actions escalated to the point where she once drew her sword and came to where I was receiving lessons. Aris's wish for me to be a good king. If it weren't for that curse gripping my neck day by day, keeping me alive, I might've surrendered to my sister's blade then. But as long as Aris's words and her plea lingered in my mind, I couldn't grant myself the freedom to die. Facing Remi, who sobbed imploringly for Aris to be revived, all I could do was maintain silence. A sorrowful soul that lived without honor or disgrace. It's said that such a malevolent being, loyal only to itself, is shunned even by the deepest depths of hell. Lamenting at the threshold of hell, yearning for a different fate, with mournful cries... Waiting for that inevitable end, unable to atone for my own sins, I continue to barely sustain myself day by day. "I believe Remi has attained some level of stability." ".....Yes." "Moreover, as the royal family excluded from agreements with the empire, Remi can freely return to Tessilia whenever she wishes. The child must be longing for home by now." Remi's rebellious streak concluded upon Father's arrival and his stern reprimand. Dropping her sword, Remi shed desperate tears, questioning what she was meant to do and how she was supposed to live, wailing at the sky, leading even Father, who came to mediate, to lower his head in silence. Thus, unlike me, who could lean on even a small straw, Remi, with nowhere to lean, ended up imprisoning her raging anger within and brought about her own downfall. Having lost all purpose and direction in life, Remi became a shadow of her former self. Father, witnessing with his own eyes Remi pointing a sword at me with desperate cries, eventually made the difficult decision after long contemplation. He declared that Remi would be sent to study abroad in the Arcadian Empire. It was Father's considerate intention to allow Remi the chance to begin a second life on new soil devoid of any traces of Aris. He knew well enough that his decision might stir anger within Remi, yet, he was willing to bear that burden if it could help support her life, even if just a little. Of course, not even Father anticipated that her wrath would be directed at me. "If Remi finds life in the Empire to her liking and does not wish to return to the kingdom, relay my message that it is perfectly fine for her to stay. This father of yours has no intention of obstructing her path." ".........." "And if it's evident that Remi is still bound by Aris's death... she is welcome to come back here. This will be the last time I send you." I had always known this day would arrive. I was not so naive as to believe that Remi's study abroad was meant to be the bridge to mend our shattered relationship. It was nothing more than a temporary remedy. Like crudely wrapping a bandage around a broken mirror. With a shatter, it was a mirror that, far from reflecting others, would splinter into pieces at the slightest disturbance. However, even if we were currently walking divergent paths, the inevitability of facing each other again was undeniable. And that inevitability has become a reality now. It was no surprise. Yet, no matter how prepared one might be, and even after deep breaths to compose oneself, confronting one's sins directly is always a daunting task. Especially if the one confronting them is a beloved sister. "I ask this of you, Anna, my daughter." ".........." What was the emotion stirring within me now? Was it something that could even be called an emotion? The lump rising in my throat from my chest. The unending suffocation that continues to plague me. "It doesn't matter if she decides not to return. It doesn't matter if she hasn't found peace within herself yet. I just wish... that you and Remi would meet, even if only once." "........" "You are sisters, after all." A heartfelt plea from a father rather than a king. Somewhere along the way, calloused hands, not visible before, gently clasped my own. These hands, now frail enough to be easily shaken off by my strength, and yet inexplicably, I couldn't pull my hands away from Father's hold. "..Understood." In the end, I could only nod. ** "Where shall we take you, ma'am?" ".......Where... to..." I tugged the hood of my white robe further down. On such a dreary day, why was the sky so tantalizingly clear without a single cloud? It would have been more fitting if it had rained. The dazzling sky and the cool breeze. Watching a harmonious-looking pair of sisters holding hands and strolling down the street, I found myself fiddling with my sleeves. The future that could have included Remi, Aris, and me haunted me. Head lowered, with lips unbearably heavy, I managed to speak. Yes. I must go. I have to. "I wish to go to the Arcadian Empire." "...It will be a long journey." Long, indeed. For a coachman who considers traveling 30 miles in a day quite far, going all the way to the Empire must seem like a lengthy journey. But if it could be such a monotonously dull journey... If it could be so long that the end remained ever elusive... If it could truly be an unending journey, quite literally.... "Very well, we shall depart immediately." With those words, I boarded the carriage. **