Chapter 68 - The Girl Wants to Be M*rdered

### Chapter 68: Freshman * * * ** Time passed, yet there was no sign of the curtain falling. The script I had rehearsed and thought over tens of times, hundreds of times, had already become useless. Adapting on the fly had also hit its limit. The more I pressed on, the more I couldn't shake the feeling that I was sinking into a quagmire with no end in sight. When would the curtain finally fall? Just how long must I drag on with this life? I thought this time I could gracefully crown the end, but it was meaningless as the many opportunities to close my life had long since vanished. If only they would fly far away, those transformed from little ducklings into elegant swans in the sky continued circling around me as I drifted along the water's edge. While feeling pride in their soaring beauty, a wretched envy gnawed at me. Feeling a desire to be like them, yet knowing I could never be. Truly, it was a wish that did not suit me. "...It's all so unfair." Complaints and complaints, only for a moment. Nonetheless, the sound from the stage was echoing all around. The bright lights that shone solely on me standing alone on the stage. They continued to gleam, mocking me as I sat on the floor. Further mistakes were not permissible. "........♬" The pink shoes were placed onto my feet. One, two. The frenzied dance that would never cease, even in death, began. Even if I cut off my dancing legs, the curse of these red shoes would never cease, not even under the descending guillotine blade. The hands gripping my legs would not allow the dance to halt. Wrinkled hands and slender hands. Hands pitifully crushed and small, delicate hands white as snow. Hands with all nails torn, bleeding, calloused hands, smooth hands with peculiar rings, hands charred black, hands missing a few fingers, hands clutching banknotes, striking hands with crimson nail polish. Unless all these hands let me go. If someone is happy, must another be unhappy? Conversely, if someone is unhappy, does it make someone else happy? I don't understand such dichotomous claims. They hurt my head, and I don't want to think about them. But one thing is certain. The happiness I had enjoyed without knowing better was meant for someone else who should have been in this place. Meaningless prolongation of life took from others what should have been theirs. The hands holding my legs, they were theirs. The hands of those who couldn't live a happy life because of me. Whether I desired this unending life or not, the fact that I had stolen from them remained unchanged. The fact that I had to pay that price was also unchanged. Therefore, I was not to wish for happiness. Lowering my head and kneeling, allowing them to step over me to rise higher, was the only thing I could do. An unforgettable flower or a teardrop in their memory was the only thing I could receive as my due. Content yourself with enjoying that process. Haven’t you done well so far? Haven't you endured well so far? "...Ha. Haha." I stood up. Once a dance has started, it must end, I said, not wanting to witness a ridiculous and pathetic ending. Who said that? None other than myself. —Click. ".........." There lay a small knife meant for cutting fruit on the table. Sharpened so keenly, it could easily, even by accident, take the life of a young girl—a knife like that. As if enchanted, I stepped down from the windowsill I had climbed up to and began walking towards the table. "...Mmm... Princess..." "..........." Who was she calling? Making sure not to wake Tessa, who was soundly asleep beside, it was all too simple to quietly grasp the knife in my hand. With shaky fingers, I caressed the sharpest object, imbued with death. Swish, swish. ".........." With a racing pulse and a rapidly beating heart. My reflection on the opaque blade was completely covered by red liquid flowing from my fingers. Yet even so. "I feel nothing." As if I were completely broken. Truly, I felt nothing at all. ** It hurt like hell. That sentiment was the first that came to mind. "...From now on, please don't block my path with your half-hearted sense of duty." "...You're saying this is my fault? Why? Seriously, why!? Hey!!" "............" Clink, clink. Holding a cup filled with ice to soothe my swollen cheek, I stared at her walking nonchalantly ahead of me with mounting frustration. She had stopped a fight and tried to steer things in a strange direction, and this is how she treats me? Plus, she broke my sword, too. My wrist, still holding the handle, was throbbing. Look, see my wrist! Look at it! Step, step. "........." She looked like a guilty cat, trying to maintain her dignity, yet unable to boldly face me—a cat caught after causing trouble. Seeing Saeli, who desperately tried to avoid eye contact with me, feeling guilty about something, I finally raised my hands in surrender. Well, with such boundless generosity, how could I not let it slide? Or should I say, it's more like dealing not with a cat, but a lion in this case. Anyway, even though Saeli has probably lived several times longer than me, her experience with human relationships seemed lacking, making her actions and words reminiscent of a child at times. She was like a child who had come into possession of something so precious that she couldn't decide what to do with it, wanting only to hold it dearly to her chest. Previously, there was an air of maturity about her, but perhaps living with Alice had led her to be more in tune with her emotions— —Thunk! "...Ow?! Ah, s-stop. You really hit bone...!!" "........" I got hit again. My side hurt—a pain so sharp it was almost tear-inducing. Just barely managing to walk down the street, holding my distressed flank that made it hard to breathe, I received a look of disdain from Remi Achaia instead of worrying compassion. She, whom I rescued after all, acted so coldly towards me. Did she forget her embarrassed floundering while Saeli’s arm squeezed her neck during our argument? Truly, it seemed as though everyone around me had abandoned their conscience. "Hee... Where is there left to hit me..." "...You know, I've been thinking, maybe you have a natural talent for getting hit?" ".....?" "...One more, for good measure." Thunk. We managed to move past the fight somehow. Saeli eventually admitted it wasn’t her true intent, and she had reacted overeagerly to those mysterious intruders who had unexpectedly attacked their house, fearing for Alice's safety. Now that I think about it, that was why they had sent Alice to Mujayon. Who in their right mind would dare to assault Saeli, though? "...Sigh." "...What? Isn’t it time you explained things to me?" ".........It's none of your concern." When I asked about the intruders' identity, she just stared and clammed up, still not clarifying what she meant. “Wild grass”? What did that mean? Why she had said that while looking at me, I still didn’t understand. Despite its resolution, Saeli steadfastly opposed Remi Achaia being near Alice. Remi Achaia, upon hearing that, almost flew into a rage, threatening to start another argument. But thinking about it only brought headaches, so I just let it go. In the end, we concluded to just shut up and go see Alice. In that, perhaps we were all thinking the same thing. Clack. "—Just because you've crossed the line doesn't mean you get a free pass." "...So you’ve brought this up again." "I figured it needed saying before we saw Alice." Outside the dormitory where I currently lived, just a step away from entering, I turned back and advised Saeli. We had undoubtedly erred. But those errors must serve as milestones indelibly etched into our hearts, ensuring they aren't repeated. Just because you have sinned doesn’t mean it’s acceptable to commit the same sin again. Even considering the anxiety born from a traumatic assault, what’s wrong is wrong. "It wasn’t my intention to confine Alice. I merely wanted to remove any potential threats from her proximity—" "Quiet down. A sturdy fence is no different from a cage." Just because the "cage" isn’t Alice doesn’t make locking it rightful. If you encircle her so nothing else can approach, what difference does it make where the cage is? Saeli needed to understand that distinction. While she admitted her head wasn’t clear at the moment, apologizing helped. If Saeli were sincere, apart from Alice, no one could stand against her. Barely holding her earlier in the fight happened mostly by chance. "Anyway, Alice has been sulky without you lately, so go cheer her up." "...Haha, okay. I get it." ".....Tch." Someone wasn’t too pleased with the idea of this bothersome woman approaching her sister, but overall, a satisfactory resolution. We entered the dormitory where Alice awaited us, having no clue about what was to come. ** * * *