Chapter 69 - The Girl Wants to Be M*rdered

〈 Chapter 69 〉 Feeling the Change * * * ** As I stepped down from the carriage, which by now felt almost familiar and comforting, I was greeted by the cold winter air that enveloped me. The solid earth beneath my feet caused a strange sensation for a brief moment, but it quickly faded as a biting wind, surpassing mere freshness to almost frigid coldness, made me clutch my white robe more firmly around me. The cold season. Around me, only barren branches stood, having shed their leaves to the ground, claiming their solitary presence. The only sign of life here was the sight of people bundled up in layers, wandering the streets. The sky, filled with ominous clouds, made it impossible to discern whether it was day, night, or somewhere in between. Winter, the season closest to death. That day was similar, I recall. The day Alice fell from the cliff, a memory still vivid within me. The biting wind blew fiercely then, just as it does now. "...keh, keh." The dry wind, devoid of any moisture, brought the taste of blood up my throat. I’ve often reflected that I could never truly get accustomed to the bleakness of a gray winter. Perhaps never. Winter would forever remain an atrocious nightmare for me. "...It's cold." And, lonely. A soft exhale escaped my lips, the misty breath riding the wind before vanishing, yet the moment was compelling enough to captivate me. I inhaled, and exhaled again. The dryness settling in my mouth and the chill creeping into my lungs made an act so essential for living feel like it was slowly killing me. I could only stop the addictive cycle when no more breath appeared. How long did I spend in such a miserable state? Footsteps started to approach. Someone, who had been looking my way for some time, was now coming closer. I neither felt the urge nor had any reason to turn my head, so I continued gazing up at the clouded sky. However, the other party seemed to think otherwise. —Tock. "....Princess Anna, what do you intend to do now?" "..........." The approaching footsteps halted just behind me. While organizing my thoughts by looking at the sky, a man's voice reached my vicinity. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of today's newspaper, held by the man. Was it because he addressed me by name, or was it the audacity of interrupting my reverie? I turned my gaze to look at the middle-aged man who had approached quite close. There, with a natural ease, the man who had been reading a newspaper on a bench in the square when I alighted from the carriage discreetly rolled up his sleeve. On his wrist, a small emblem was engraved, one I recognized. "....What is it? Have you forgotten the initial orders I gave?" "...It’s cold outside. You could fall ill." "......." The emblem of a raven holding a sword. Part of the escort who followed me from the Kingdom of Tesilia to the Akkad Empire. Apparently, standing in the cold winter air looked precarious to them, as one of them approached, breaking the unwritten rule of minimal contact with me—the person they were tasked to protect. People enjoying hot drinks from a nearby shop, a group of women chatting in a corner of the square, a vendor selling wares from a cloth spread on the ground, and those who had been casting glances my way. Were they, albeit subtly, concerned for my well-being? Sometimes, their concern felt burdensome. It'd be better if they simply left someone like me alone. "......Sigh." ".........." Thus, I had to make a decision. Lingering about in this freezing weather, failing to make a decision, was not merely my issue; it was inconvenience for them too. I came to see my sister, yet here I was, stalling, not ready to face her. Ironically, it was not me but they who suffered for my indecision. Indeed, it has always been so. Whenever I made mistakes, others always paid the price. I had countless times wanted to tell whatever cosmic entity handing out such penalties to torment me instead. Remi, Aris, all of them. They say the only wrong they committed was having an inept older sister like me. Why should they be the ones to suffer? Mistakes, wrongdoings. They're not self-created but are my actions. I could no longer tolerate letting others suffer because of my own weaknesses. "It’s time to go meet her now. Yes, I must..." "...Understood." But right now, it was so difficult. The nearly month-long journey had already worn me down physically. What weighed down on me even more than my tired body were the cold winds tugging at my every limb. Isn’t it too much? Why did it have to be such a harsh winter when I came to see Remi? It was as if the world had conspired to torment me. It knew all too well how to distress me most effectively. Therefore. Therefore. "—Let's rest for today." "..........." "I'll go see Remi tomorrow." One more day should be fine. My heart urged me to enter Mujaeion right now and talk to Remi. To ask if she was doing well, if she was eating properly, if she still harbors resentment towards me. Because right now, it was just too much. I made my way to the inn where I would temporarily stay. The sky was filled with ashen clouds. In my heart, I fervently hoped that tomorrow wouldn’t bring snow covering the world in white. ** "...ㅡㅡㅡ, ㅡㅡ!!" "....ㅡㅡ, ㅡㅡㅡ!" Too loud. The shouting resounding inside the room made me want to cover my ears. But realizing that one of my hands was missing, I instead buried my face into my knees. Hoping that as long as I couldn’t see, the headache that clouded my mind might subside. As if I were trying to fall asleep. I curled up against the window sill, wishing for time to pass. "...Alice?" "..........." "Alice, are you feeling sick? Hm?" Tessa's genuine concern for me. Her hand caressed my head, which had been chilled by the wind through the wide-open window. Seeing my head move involuntarily left and right, it seemed she was stroking me. Though I wanted to say that what was troubling me most was their very presence, I couldn't bring myself to voice it. The blanket covering me felt burdensome. And the emotions directed at me had become increasingly wearisome. All I could do was bury my head further into my knees and shake my head a little. A child’s clumsy tantrum. Bang, bang! "Damn it! Hey!! Be quiet!! Can’t you see Alice’s state right now?!" "...ㅡㅡ, ㅡㅡㅡ...!" ".....ㅡㅡㅡㅡ,ㅡㅡ..." "...ㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡ,ㅡㅡ." At Tessa’s voice, loud and striking against the wall, the noise from the next room momentarily quieted. But that was only brief, as the sounds of arguments and raised voices threatening to burst through the walls continued to grow. I could almost hear the sigh escaping from Tessa. The women who had entered in a flurry of chatter. Who had expected to see me greet them with a cheerful smile, only to halt completely at my utterly broken and pitiful state. Only upon sensing their strange reactions did I realize the mistake I’d made. What I thought was a smile, my reflection in a nearby mirror, was not a face one could behold with open eyes. Sensing something wasn’t right, Saeli had quickly rushed to my side, but little could be changed. With my head lowered, I remained on the window sill. And that carried on till now. "Alice... no, Lady Alice. Have you remembered everything?" ".........." "...Could you tell me what happened, just to me? Please?" They had another amusing misunderstanding. But then again, one more misunderstanding in a life already riddled with misunderstandings and deceit wouldn’t change anything. The distinction lay only in whether I had intended it or not. Yet now, it all seemed meaningless. No one cares about intentions. They discern intentions through the results on display. It’s all meaningless. As the noise in the room finally drew to a close. And with Saeli concluding that my unresponsive state to her suggestion to eat was unacceptable, she took action. I remained, head buried, seated at the window sill. Still. ** * * *