Chapter 70 - The Girl Wants to Be M*rdered

**Chapter 70: Wavering** * * * They say growth always entails pain. The silent sentinel between a person's exterior and interior, this pain often leaves us with lessons. Those who have a reason to live—these individuals endure agonies severe enough to make them want to bite their tongues, and in that suffering, find meaning. Indeed. Just like those I know who shine so brightly even at a glance. And for those who aren't like them. For someone like me, pushed to live without a choice. Pain is nothing more than a mere punishment, devoid even of any lesson for growth. Like the endless punishment of Sisyphus, condemned to roll a boulder up a steep hill endlessly. "Alice! Shall we go see the flowers? Hmm?" "........." "Oh! Recently, new books arrived at the bookstore. Let's go together!" Swaying, swaying. Incapable of standing on my own, my body was rocked back and forth. The vivacious hands shaking me belonged to Remi, the only one who never lost her distinctive smile, even as everyone, including me, succumbed to gloom. Sia, on the other hand, donned an awkward, creaking expression whenever she dealt with me. As for Tessa, she was plagued with guilt for not noticing my condition, despite being constantly by my side. And Saeli, she appeared as if she'd reached the world's end. What are they so afraid of? That I might suddenly vanish from their sight without a word? That I'd confront them for deceiving and misleading me? Or, perhaps, that in realizing some shocking truth, I might do something unspeakable? I knew all too well what they feared and worried about, yet I felt no compulsion to address each concern. From now on, regardless of what I do, they've already gone to some distant place that's beyond my reach. Even if I devoted my entire being, it wouldn't change anything in their lives. And as for myself, merely paying the price for my selfish desires. Everything was now meaningless and monotonous to me. To Remi, though seeing me in despair was surely sorrowful, the act of recovering my lost memories might not have been so bad. Though startled by my state, she quickly regained her composure and treated me as she always had. After all, sadness is an emotion that time will eventually cover and erase. And lost memories were something that ideally could never have been regained. Bad things are bad; good things can also be good. That's likely how she thinks. If not for any other reason, Even if the rest of my life were to pass like that of a doll, Even if mending the deep chasm between family that had been deeply etched were forever impossible, Remi would still find happiness in the mere fact of me being alive and by her side. Though broken and shattered, if I could stay alive, that would be enough for her. Having once lost me, Remi could very well see it that way. ㅡ Plop. "........" The view I was taking in suddenly blurred. Upon closer inspection, a snowflake, drifting in from outside, had found its way into my eyes. Though from gray storm clouds, the snow was imbued with moisture and possessed a pure hue. Several blinks. The particle, as it melted into a single tear, drifted slowly down my cheek like rain. Drip, drip. The parched ground, my skin, absorbed the moisture. "......Snow." "Snow? ...Ah! It really is snowing outside? It's the first snow of the year, isn't it?" The world began to transform into a blank white canvas. The unique colors of buildings, the attire of passersby—all ceased to hold any meaning at this moment. An enchanting scene unfolded where falling snowflakes adhered to each other, forming fluffy snow. The man in the gray coat, the woman with green hair examining a poster on the fence, and the children who ran around the streets—all gazed blankly at the snow beginning to settle atop their heads. The streets were gradually blanketed, with fresh snow layering over what had already fallen, creating an ever-growing pile. Layer by layer. "....It's snowing." Noticing it, I unconsciously extended my bandaged right hand out the window. Saeli had been the first to notice the injury caused by my toying with a knife, eyeing my arm like a ghost. Unable to suck on my fingers in plain view of everyone, she had resorted to clumsy bandaging, which instead of stopping at the thumb, encased my entire hand. In response to Sia chiding her, she'd retorted by questioning why she'd need to conserve the bandages meant for a child. Should anyone outside glance in at that moment, they’d likely wonder at the sight of a bandage-wrapped hand protruding unexpectedly. Though the arm now resembled the snowy flakes in color thanks to the wrapping, some might overlook its oddity. With that hand, I was making a futile attempt to grasp the falling snowflakes from the heavens. Although I knew any snow caught would quickly melt and seep into the bandages within seconds, I couldn't stop this foolish gesture. And, unsurprisingly. Plop. A snowflake granted my wish by landing on my hand. The flake that had roamed the sky freely soon disappeared against my hand. Truly, it felt like a dream. Even the trace of what had been there, everything had disappeared. ㅡSwish. "ㅡAh." The final sound that the snow made. It was so heartrendingly melancholic. "Alice, do you want to go out and see the snow? Shall we go together?" "........." I was about to shake my head, but then I paused. How many times had I contemplated whether to break the window and jump out or just stay put and meet my end here? Yet, rather than having the curtains close with the image of a child kneeling on the windowsill, withering away, wasn't it at least better to heed her words and go outside to feel the snow? That thought suddenly crossed my mind. ".....Okay." I looked up at the sky, filled with dark clouds pouring out endless streams of white snow. The purpose of the falling snow. It's said to be God's effort to make this dirty world appear clean. Though it may seem futile, as it soon becomes sullied by inherent filth. Even if it ends up trampled upon and wet. The pristine snow devotes itself to making the people wandering the streets unaware of their own impurity. The snow, in this way, offers a small salvation from all things dirty. Liberation. ...Yes. It was liberation. "ㅡI want to go out." "....! Yes!! Let's go out, Alice!" With those words, I stepped down from the windowsill. Even though it would have been appropriate for her to be upset by my sudden change of heart, Remi just delightedly smiled. Well. There wasn't really any reason to go out. It was just that I suddenly wanted to walk the streets, if only for a short while. ** "ㅡHowever." "I will accept no objections." I spoke as calmly and firmly as possible to the man kneeling at my feet. If I showed even a slight crack in my emotions, they would undoubtedly seize it and appeal emotionally to sway me. Initially, I had intended to travel with only a minimal escort, but wasn't it their cunning that resulted in so many accompanying me on the journey to this empire? Of course, this was likely all under the instructions of my father and mother. "The number of people I take will be a maximum of two." "........" "I will accept no more." Having reached the imperial capital, I no longer required the same level of escort. While their assistance was somewhat beneficial when we traveled past forests harboring highwaymen or kidnappers' dens, in a place like this where law and order are well-established, that concern is unnecessary. In fact, the presence of these individuals moving openly here could potentially harm international relations. Thus far, their ability to operate silently was partly due to the empire's tacit consent, knowing full well what was happening. Though I imagine they've prepared their own countermeasures, I sincerely hope they refrain from further interference. For nothing other than a genuine, private moment between Remi and me. "...Finally, the snow has started." I looked out the window. The ominous clouds that had been looming since yesterday had inevitably begun to release a cascade of white snowflakes. Once again, I inscribed upon my heart the simple, undeniable truth that the world resolutely refuses to grant even my most basic wishes. "....Time to go." The snow continued to descend like a torrential downpour. And so, I set out from the inn on an indefinite journey.