Chapter 72 - The Girl Wants to Be M*rdered

**Chapter 72: Filled with Kindness** As if fueled by an unyielding urgency, I ran without looking back. I had no idea where my feet were taking me or what exactly I was fleeing from. I couldn’t even comprehend the source of my immense fear. Yet, the only thought reverberating in my mind was the need—an overwhelming compulsion—to escape from here. —Thud, thud! "No...!! Noooooo───!!!!!" "Alice!? Kr, Saeli! I’ll leave the guards to you! Okay?" "─Wait?! You, what are you...!?" I ran. Even though I heard someone desperately calling out to me from behind. Even while emitting a wail that I had never unleashed before. Rolling clumsily over the grimy snow piled along the street. Feeling the wind tug at my hat until it could no longer hold on and flopped backward. "Nooooooo!!!" I dodged the hands reaching to snatch me, sprinting like an arrow shot from a bow. Run, legs. Faster, run faster. Even if my muscles disintegrate and my cartilage wears away. It doesn’t matter if it consumes my entire being. So please, just take me to a place where no one exists. Save me. "Huff, huff." I stumbled through winding alleyways. I sprinted blindly through narrow passages hardly wide enough for two people to walk side by side. Of course, I crashed into a few people along the way, but offering them a quick apology felt like an impediment anchoring my feet, so I kept running. Continuously slipping over the icy patches hidden beneath the snow. Colliding with and sometimes tumbling down alongside people waddling along with hands tucked in their sleeves. And then, it happened— —Boom! "Ow—!?" "......!" Even a woman donning a green robe who was passing by wasn’t exempt from being toppled over with a sudden crash. Without paying heed to her, I pushed myself off the ground with the stump of my severed arm and clawed desperately at a rough wall with my remaining hand to rise. Drip, drip. What trickled down onto the snow—was it tears streaking down my cheeks? Or was it blood dripping from my fingertips? Or perhaps, it was the last remnants of sanity leaving me. The red trail sprawled onto the white snow would surely know the answer. "Oh...ah..." I goaded my unresponsive legs to maintain a relentless escape. Trembling in fear like a lamb pursued by a wolf. Fleeing, and fleeing some more. "...Ugh!? Who, who are you?" "─Ah! I'm sorryyyyy─!! We're in a bit of a rush right now!! We'll compensate you next timeee!!! Well, bye!" "...!! Wa—wait! Hahn!!" My head hurts. It felt as if someone were rummaging through my brain, sending pains shooting through it. I clutched my head with one hand in agony. Even if I lost all sensation, even speaking and listening were the only functions operating properly. Yet, the discomfort of my brain being squeezed and the eerie sensation crawling over my body refused to cease tormenting me. Battling a surge of nausea, I aimed for the bright end of an alley that connected to a main road. Reaching the end of my escape, I arrived at the terminus. "Huff, huff." The sudden brightness made my eyes want to shut automatically. The light reflecting off the pristine snow felt as if it were scorching my eyes. With tears in my eyes, obscuring my vision, I saw a wide road bustling with people and carriages. It seemed like an enormous tidal wave of activity. "───Ah." I halted my steps and slowly started advancing toward the center of it all. A hunting hound loses its utility once the hunt is over. Especially if it’s incapacitated and aged, unable to guard the home as it was meant to. No matter how remarkable its past achievements, an aged dog's awaiting fate is neither a snug bed nor plentiful food. Its end is met with scorn and a lonely demise on a cold, snowy field. The utopia dreamt of by an old dog was nowhere to be found. A dog, ultimately, was a wretched creature that had no choice but to succumb to its fate. "........." Everything I had done was in pursuit of atonement. An act of self-imposed penance, to never repeat the same sins. Although I might have never directly snatched away something as abstract and immeasurable as happiness. I certainly held memories of taking away tangible pieces linked to happiness, like a good school, great friends, material wealth, a warm family, prestigious positions, and a sense of accomplishment. They blamed me for it. I accepted their words. And thus began my journey of atonement. Some days I helped others as a good Samaritan. Other times, I became a teacher imparting knowledge. Occasionally, a parent; other times, a child born from the heart for unfortunate parents. I was a friend, a colleague. A superior, a subordinate. Those who would have been confined in the darkest depths where no light reached. Those bent and twisted by gusting winds and cascading debris, growing frail and weak. I assisted them to flourish, to take pride in the achievements their lives and efforts allowed them to attain. And... to ensure their happiness. The conclusion to my altruistic story ended with my death, not wishing to be a burden to them. Hearing their lamentations and cries upon facing my fading existence, their despair quickly turned into a sustenance helping sturdy individuals to rise again, with their final acknowledgments guiding me into everlasting sleep. The actions affirming my existence were the pinnacle of happiness I allowed myself to believe in. Yes. That was my only worth. My sole reason for existence. Remi Acaia. Anna Acaia. Therefore, there was no longer a reason for me to exist beside them, who were already complete. In the end. I had become someone without purpose. Step by step, I walked forward. "—Huh? Who is that child over there?" "...Eek!? Wait! That child’s hands are covered in blood! Wh-Where did they come from?" "........." It's not that I never felt happiness. I, too, felt as if I was floating in the sky, brimming with joy when I was treasured by those who cared for me. I, too, wanted to live alongside them. I was human, too. So, even if it was only for a fleeting moment. Even knowing that savoring happiness only made my sins heavier. I consumed the unearned rewards, making excuses that it was all for their growth. Love was both a remedy and a poison to me. Everything might have been inevitable from the very beginning. Step by step. I glanced at the sky once, then turned my gaze downward. "...Huh? Where is that child walking to...?" "—Hey!! Stop them! Don’t let that child go there!!" "What? What did you say!?" "........." But now that even those hollow excuses had vanished. When they, who I could no longer aid, appeared completed before my eyes. Wanting to live alongside and partake in happiness with them was undoubtedly a desire I harbored here. I was someone who didn't even repent the crime of daring to covet happiness. I ignored the difference between paying the price of a sin and seeking atonement. Believing that punishment would erase all my wrongs. I realized I was, indeed, an utterly shameless piece of rubbish. A hollow laugh escaped my lips. A smile meant to comfort others, devoid of sincerity. "Heh, heh." The most meaningless death, they say, is being in a traffic accident. Come to think of it, I had never experienced one in my lifetime. Yes. It truly suits me better than anything else. "Everyone move!! Step away, now!!" "Little one! Get out of there!!" "—No." I saw the carriage driver tugging furiously at the reins, desperately trying to halt the vehicle. But with the carriage already at a certain speed and the crowd packed around, veering off course wasn’t an option. It would be almost impossible not to hit me. Suicide is a courageous confession that one's life held no value. For him, living a diligent family life, this would indeed be a bolt from the blue, and perhaps I should have sneaked off to a river to drown far away, avoiding harm to others—a regret lingered. But truly, truly, I’m sorry. At this moment, I just wanted to calm my troubled mind. I only wished to rest quietly. "It's too late." "Waaa—? Kid!! Get out of the way if you don’t want to die!!" A rapidly approaching massive carriage. Two horses, boasting great stature and weight. Eager to meet a terrible death, crushed beneath. I flung myself forward— —Thud! "──Safeeeee!!" "...!!" An unexpected impact. I tumbled along the road, entwined with the person who caught me. ** * * *