Chapter 104 - The Girl Wants to Be M*rdered

〈 Episode 104 〉 888. The Chapter of the Zombie and the Girl (End). * * * ** Those who should live are dead, and those who should die are alive. That in itself is absurdity. ** Hee Ah's appearance as she walked through the door was horrific. She wore nothing but a few scraps of cloth draped over her shoulders and waist—the only remnants of clothing, leaving her as she came into this world. Just days prior, her body was pristine, devoid of even a single scar, but now it was bitten and torn in places, revealing muscles and tendons that should have been hidden beneath her skin. This ghastly sight shattered my hope that the child would return safely. ['....■■■, ■■■■.....'］ Creak, creak, like a puppet being forced to move beyond its limits. As Hee Ah slowly approached us, her body emitted sounds that should never emanate from a human. ─Thud. "──Ah?!" A gasp from behind, but whose voice was it? Jeong Eun's, or perhaps Yeon Yi's? Hardened dark red blood covered Hee Ah's body. "Damn, damn, damn, damn." "Se-, Senior?! What, what should I do?" Thunk, clatter. The sound of two wooden sticks clattering onto the concrete floor from behind. When I glanced back, there stood Yeon Yi and Jeong Eun, having dropped the sticks they were holding, wildly shaking their hands in the air as if helpless. Their instinctive actions; they couldn't point weapons at Hee Ah, not her. Their eyes, as they looked at Hee Ah, were filled with unconcealed shock and confusion. And so was I. ─Tremble, tremble. "........" I too couldn't control the shaking of my hands. I knew better than anyone that we needed to act instead of just standing idly. Whether it was welcoming the child warmly for bravely returning such a long way alone, or embracing her despite being covered in wounds. We had to do something. But none of it was possible for us. Not holding the child, treating her, nor—turning her back into a human. Our pathetic abilities fell short. ─Click. ".....Hee Ah." I bit my lip. Just flailing in the air, our hands. It was the futile struggle of foolish humans not knowing what to do. The desperate gestures were like a person in the middle of an ocean, unable to grab onto anything, just swinging their arms. One could only grab the sensation of cold seawater mocking their struggles. There wasn't a single straw to grasp. It was brutal. That's the only way to describe this miserable reality. I felt like confronting someone. Be it God, Buddha, or the Devil. Why must that child, even in death, be unable to close her eyes in peace? Why not me, why must that innocent child be in such a state? Did you despise the kind and gentle child so much? Feeling my heart being torn apart, I despaired. If my motionless mouth could speak, I'd probably be screaming. If I could shed something other than tears, I'd probably be bleeding. The unprecedented despair and emptiness that washed over me knew no bounds. ─Thud. "I'm truly, sorry." In front of her, I finally knelt down. Inwardly, I thought that this end wasn't so bad. Maybe, I had somehow accepted the current situation as rightful in my heart. Rather than waiting to die quietly in our room, being killed by the child we killed. If that could be a form of penance for the child. If this could calm Hee Ah's spirit. Perhaps it wasn't so bad, I thought. ─Step, step. ['.....■■■, ■.'］ "It must have hurt a lot, Hee Ah." Before I knew it, Hee Ah stood right in front of me. In the yard, not so wide, the distance between Hee Ah and I, who stood before everyone, shrank quickly, and her shadow, cast by the sun, enveloped me. At a distance where I could see the tiniest marks on Hee Ah's body clearly. The green liquid I had seen from countless zombies oozed from her mouth. Unlike theirs, thick like sludge, this was watery, like blood, seeping from Hee Ah's mouth. ─Thud. And, the final step. ['...■, ■.'］ ".........." At last, my vision was filled entirely with Hee Ah. Approaching me, Hee Ah began to slowly spread her arms wide, as if to swallow me whole. Slowly, leisurely moving arms. In the face of feebleness I could fend off if I wanted, I simply knelt, anxiously awaiting the punishment to befall me. Swoosh── ['.........'］ In due course, Hee Ah's mouth carefully opened. The sharp teeth within slowly reached for my neck. This was the final moment that had finally arrived. The death I had been waiting for. 'Sister Hwa Min, I──' The act that Hee Ah was performing─── '───I feel sorry for them.' "Ah─" ──────Revenge? And then. The conversation we had in the dead of night suddenly resurfaced in my mind. Is that truly an action Hee Ah wishes to take? ....It's true, we did kill Hee Ah. There was no denying it, an undeniable truth. I was someone who deserved to die. Do you really think Hee Ah hated you? ... Anyone else would have had every reason to hate. Even if she got angry and demanded why she was abandoned, I’d have nothing to say in my defense. It was only natural. Isn’t it possible that rather than Hee Ah, it’s me hating myself? .... I did not answer. That kind child, do you think she hated you enough to want you dead? .... I did not respond. Do you really think Hee Ah is that kind of person? No. No. That's right. You know well. ...I know that too. Because— Because— "───Hee Ah would never think that!!" I could say it with certainty. That Hee Ah would never act like this. She was always a gentle child who thought of others before herself. She was a child who worried late into the night about being a burden to us, silently suffering on her own, never showing it in front of others. Even as she was engulfed by the zombies to save us, she showed me a smile till her last moment. And you’re telling me a child like her wishes for our death? That Hee Ah wants to kill us? Ha. ──That's impossible. If Hee Ah truly wished for our deaths, I would die a hundred times over. If she demanded why we abandoned her, I’d die a thousand times to atone. But this wasn't it. This wasn't it. The only thought in my mind was to ensure Hee Ah, watching over us from inside, wouldn’t bear any more sins. To not burden her with the trivial guilt of us seeking comfort by making her responsible once more. '───Back then, I will stop it for you, Hee Ah.' '....Hehe. Yes. Please, Sister Hwa Min.' That was the content of the promise we made. As if the world was breaking apart like a film reel tearing, everything appeared discontinuous. The moment I became conscious, in my hand was a stick lying nearby. It was definitely the sharpened wooden stick Yeon Yi or Jeong Eun had dropped earlier. The scene shifted rapidly, and in the subsequent frame, my eyes captured Hee Ah standing with arms wide open, looking down at me with clouded eyes. "────────" I murmured. Said I was sorry. That it's okay to blame me. That I would willingly accept this penance. Will I end up in hell? ...Haha, what's the difference? I’m already in hell, right here. Adding one more sin now won’t change anything. So, Hee Ah, please─── ───Don’t forgive me. ─Thack. "───Arghhhhh!!!" I thrust the stick toward Hee Ah. The world shattered into pieces, everything turning pitch black. In that moment, my heart was overwhelmed with the resolve to prevent Hee Ah from doing something she might regret. For Hee Ah’s sake, I chose to kill her. That was what it boiled down to. And then── "Ah." ──Slash! A sensation akin to piercing through soft clay, accompanied by the sound. Green liquid splashed across my face. ** It felt as if time had halted. Neither I nor Hee Ah, and likely Jeong Eun or Yeon Yi observing us from behind, uttered a single breath. I faced what I had done with trembling eyes. ─Drip, drip. ['.....─,─.'］ "I'm sorry...! I'm sorry, Hee Ah...!" Gripping the stick, both my hands trembled. The end of the stick had pierced through her worn clothing and chest, emerged out of her back. A strange green liquid from Hee Ah’s body soaked into the wooden staff, and that which didn’t absorb splattered in all directions or quietly ran down the shaft. Yes. I had stabbed Hee Ah. With my own hands, I killed the child that died because of me. I had killed her, once more. Repentance; perhaps I wanted to repent. I had believed that if Hee Ah killed me, it would absolve me of my sins. But ultimately, I realized that it was nothing more than self-satisfaction. It only placed another burden on the child. If I had died in Hee Ah’s stead, I doubt I’d have worried about revenge or anything like that. I’d have probably sat peacefully by the river of afterlife, waiting for the others to follow someday. If they arrived soon, I’d quip why they came so fast, and if delayed, I’d jest about waiting ages. Upon reuniting, we’d clasp hands and venture onward, together. And that child, kinder and gentler than myself, would certainly do the same. I couldn’t even fathom an image of the child being angry for not dying in her place. Yes. This wasn't mere rationalization for my comfort. It was my belief, my trust in the gentle character of that child. That the figure before me was no longer the Hee Ah we knew. That it was a monster forcing her into torment. That’s what I believed. ──Swoosh. ['─■, ㄴ■ㅣ....'］ "....Ah?" And thus, I failed to comprehend the sound emerging. A zombie’s voice, mangled and distorted, typically incomprehensible. Yet, now it was marginally discernible. The voice emanated from none other than Hee Ah, who had become a zombie. Was it an auditory illusion? Was it simply my misperception? With no time to be astonished, Hee Ah’s body, which had been still, began to move slightly. Crack, crack. A succession of bone-breaking noises followed. It was the sound born as Hee Ah resumed walking towards me, with her heart pierced by my stick. Naturally, the more Hee Ah walked towards me, the deeper the stick embedded itself into her, yet she continued approaching, arms spread wide. Her body contorted, air escaping her lungs, yet she walked steadily, silently toward me. I stood there, mouth agape, eyes wide in horror at the sight. Because, there was Hee Ah. The very Hee Ah I had just stabbed with my own hands. ['Oh, n, ■, ni'] "Hee Ah?" She was approaching me with a smile. Before I realized it, the distance between us was even smaller than before, our bodies practically touching. Close enough for my breath to become wind, stirring Hee Ah's hair. At that short distance, the injured Hee Ah looked at me, her mouth slowly opening. No longer showing teeth as before, but as if to speak, her lips moving softly. Hee Ah pronounced each syllable clearly. ['──Sister.'] ".....Ah." Her words unmistakably addressed me. Broken, scratched, yet undeniably calling out to me. Before I could even react in astonishment, Hee Ah's wide-open arms closed in, wrapping tightly around my waist. The chill emanating from Hee Ah’s cold body. That cool temperature seeped through my clothes. I had never, not once, seen a zombie regain its senses. Even when bound, medicated, they’d only thrash and scream. How many attempted this, only to become one of them? Then, what was this scene before me? I couldn't believe it. It didn’t seem real. ['Hi, ■.'] "....Ah, aah....!!" Yet that unmistakable laugh. The familiar way she embraced me. It confirmed that the person before me was indeed Hee Ah. It wasn’t a mirage. It wasn’t a delusion. Then, could this be a miracle granted by the heavens? ─Squeeze. ['Thank, you.'] "I'm sorry, Hee Ah." We were given one last opportunity to truly face each other. In that limited time, she expressed gratitude, and I offered apologies. Words that could never intertwine, existing only as parallel lines, unable to form a conversation. Yet, in this moment, those words connected our hearts. At this moment, everything I had was answered. Did it hurt? No, not at all. I’m sorry. Thank you. Thank you. ...... I love you. I do, too. Sleep well, Hee Ah. ....... Hee Ah? ............. Sleep well. ................. Sleep tight. And so. "........" As Hee Ah's body, once so cold, gradually stiffened, and until Jeong Eun and Yeon Yi came to me, aware of the situation. I kept the child's body tightly embraced in my arms. Just as Hee Ah's last words, uttered so softly only I could hear, resonated within me. Reaffirming an old conversation where she said my warmth felt comforting. I passed on to her the warmth she sought, my very sentiments, as with trembling hands, I gently stroked her snow-white hair. The child who closed her eyes as if peacefully sleeping. With a serene smile, as if dreaming of something beautiful. Not until I saw the child with closed eyes. Not until I realized her little lips would move no more. Did I let out my cry. ** ** "──Hwa Min, so where are we going?" "......." Thud. I sat in the back seat, gazing at the scenery outside the window. Two months felt fleeting and yet was enough to change so much. What were once pristine streets were now littered with debris and dirt, and the air, previously filled with exhaust fumes, had turned into something foul and decaying. Bright streetlights and scattered neon signs had vanished, leaving the night sky with its original, faint luminescence. Wildflowers of unknown names bloomed on sidewalks, vines growing vigorously along fences. Indeed, everything had changed. "─Senior?" "......." And we, too, had changed. A roomy sedan fit to comfortably seat five people. The spacious seats were packed with large items like canned goods and camping gear. Yet, no matter how cramped the car became, it all felt hollow to me. ".........." The seat beside me, where a small child once sat. There, only something metallic and cold lay in place. "Where to, huh." I glanced down. In my hand lay a keychain adorned with an ivory-hued cat plush, stained with a bit of blood. The plush cat, resembling Hee Ah, sporting a lovely smile. Her laughter replayed in my mind, drawing a small smile from my lips. "........." "........." Jeong Eun and Yeon Yi, seated in the driver's and passenger's seats, looked at me with eyes filled with intrigue. The world had ended. The pitch-black world seemed overwhelmingly dark, and the hope we desperately sought was nowhere to be found. The tomorrow I hoped would improve, when rescuers would find us, would likely be worse than today. Indeed. Perhaps living was more painful than dying. But since when did we start living with such expectations? Did we live because tomorrow promised to be better than today, and the day after would be happier than tomorrow? The weekends after arduous weekdays, the illicit snacks we sometimes bought outside, and the karaoke sessions we skipped evening classes for with friends—these were the joys and comforts of our lives. Ahead, surely, lies a difficult and painful journey. This cruel world will snatch away all that we've taken for granted. But, I won’t give up now. After cursing my heart out and furiously kicking the pillows away, the sad and tough times turn into yesterday's troubles. Then I, as if nothing had happened, will keep living another day. The day after tomorrow will become tomorrow, and tomorrow will become today. The distant-feeling day after tomorrow will one day be today. Quietly resisting the absurdities thrown at us. Finding our own happiness amidst all that. Life is about that, after all. Therefore── "──Let's go to Gangwon-do." "....Okay. Are you ready, Yeon Yi?" "Yes. Everything's in place. We can leave right away." So, I continue to live. No matter how wretched the world becomes. Even if nothing but endless despair awaits ahead. By keeping my eyes wide open, facing forward, undeterred by the challenges coming at me. With the life that Hee Ah left me, I will continue to live until the end. I will keep living. Because living is a good thing. And perhaps, the best thing. ─Swoosh. "........" Before the car departed for the last time, I looked outside through the window. Reflected there, the house with the distinctive blue roof and my blurred silhouette in the glass. A vivid pink memory, perhaps seen for the last time, lingered at that house. I etched that image deeply into my memory. Today, we embark on a journey with no set endpoint. To Gangwon-do—a place sparsely populated yet abundant with military bases, likely harboring survivors. We aim to journey there, and if we find no one, we will continue along the coastline southward. We shall meet others, endure, and persist silently. And when all is done, when the time is right, we will return here. Yes, we will come back. To this place, with that small mound we made with our own hands lying within the yard. As long as I hold the key to open the gate to Hee Ah's home. We will return here, to our hometown. This is my written chronicle. A record of everything from when the world began spiraling into ruin—a documentation of everything about me, Lee Hwa Min, at eighteen years old, and my unforgettable forty-two days with the child who shone as brightly as the whitest light. Something that cannot and must not be forgotten. Vroom─! "───Let's go." "Hold on tight! You won't know if you get hurt!!" This is the story I proudly tell. ** A small, crudely made grave. Upon a wooden plank, serving as a headstone, was inscribed: "Like a star in the night sky, though faint, the child shone brightly. Rests here." ** * * *