Chapter 35 - The Girl Wants to Be M*rdered

〈 Chapter 35 〉 Episode 35: Venting The moment I first laid eyes on her sitting across from me, I instinctively knew. No, rather, it was impossible not to know. Black hair. Black eyes. Brown-tinted skin. —Everything about her, was an appearance detached from this world. And more than her unconventional appearance, it was the sense of ephemerality that caught my gaze, a feeling of having no lingering attachment to this world. A pitiful figure who found no meaning in her own life. I thought to myself. Ah, this person is just like me. ".....Hehe." This sister, how many times has it been now? Really, this will be fun. A chill wind blew, as if it were slightly cold, The kind of season when squirrels gather nuts preparing for the end of the year, The kind where new connections blossom—autumn. I met a kindred spirit. ** Oh my, oh my, wasn't she the person who crawled on all fours in front of a child much younger than herself? Not just a few years, wasn't she well over 30? No way. A person like that wouldn't be kneeling, having her head patted by a girl twenty years her junior! Hahaha! Right! That couldn't possibly happen! Hohoho! Exactly, that's what I'm saying. ... Ah, seriously. "What? Sis? What's wrong?" ".....It's nothing. I just want to die." "Eek!?" I just wanted to stick my head in a hole and die out of embarrassment. Whether the little hole in front of me was dug by a mouse, I couldn't be sure, but I buried my head deeply into it regardless. Poof. The damp black earth was colder than I expected. People say even a mouse hole sees sunshine, but at this moment, I wished for the sun, the wind, everything just to disappear. So shamefully, right in front of a child watching me, I was hoping for memory to fade while pressing my face into a pile of dirt. Disappear... Disappear.... But closing my eyes only proved detrimental. The recent memory became even more vivid in my darkened view, and in distress, I flailed my legs, kicking at the fallen leaves. Aaaaah!!!! —Tsk, tsk. "Rabbit, rabbit, are you alive or dead?" "The rabbit is dead... so please go away..." "Oh, you’re alive!" This is a suicidal rabbit. Please refrain from giving it attention. Despite wishing quietly inside for nobody to bother me, the child found joy in poking at my body, as if manifesting infinite delight. Tsk, tsk. The innocence of the child brought an involuntary smile to my face, but the tragic scene from before danced brightly in my thoughts, leaving me unable to shake off the renewed depression. I want to die... From the recesses of my mind emerged ten painless ways to end my life for aspiring suicides. But merely keeping my head down wouldn’t solve anything. Feeling the dirt sting my eyes, I had no choice but to lift my head. With a soft rustle, the sticky earth clung to my greasy hair, falling off in heaps. Ah, some got in my mouth as well. "—Ptoo... Ugh, it's too bitter.." "Wow! Sis, you're up!" Like a dog shaking off rain, I swung my head from side to side, dislodging the remaining dirt from my hair. The child shrieked in delight, dodging the cascade of soil, seemingly enjoying even that moment. This brief playfulness. It certainly helped clear my mind considerably. Thanks to that, I was able to capture the image of the child smiling brightly in front of me in my refreshed vision. "Hehehe!" "......." A face I had never seen around here before. If such a child existed, surely they'd be the talk of not just the village but the entire country. For such thoughts to occur, the child was overwhelmingly exceptional. Could she be traveling from somewhere far? Her attire was a white outfit, oversized as if borrowed from an adult. The sleeves covered her hands and fluttered with the wind below, trailing behind. To be honest, it was clothing utterly unsuited to her age. Still, a hand holding a single flower peeked through the billowing fabric, presenting a cuteness that overcame any incongruity as if premeditated. Indeed. Truly, all of this seemed as beautiful as a dream. That a child adorned with such an appearance danced, arms outstretched, in circles before me. And the fact that she didn't show any disdain or fear towards me, but rather engaged in playful antics, directing twinkling eyes my way— "......" It felt like a lie. Fundamentally, most people in this world despised me. It was because of my unique hair color, the ominous aura enveloping me, and deeply-rooted prejudices of the people of this world. Naturally so. In a world where ordinary natural phenomena are revered like gods, and beasts from children's tales are believed to exist. It is human nature to reject that which is different or incomprehensible. If a child is born with grim black hair and eyes, bearing none of the colors of their parents or ancestors, what would happen? —I was abandoned on the roadside as soon as I could barely walk. Was it because I left my parents' protection at such a young age, or because I retained no recollection of affection? Every day was spent surviving, forgetful of the faces of those who brought me into this world. Had I been an ordinary child, my spirit might have broken in such a situation. No, perhaps they hoped for that from the beginning. That I would lose all hope in life and wander off beyond the village to be devoured by wild beasts, was that not their wish? Although it didn't go as they had wished, their efforts sure left a significant impact on me. Every day was a living hell, wishing for death. But whether fortunate or unfortunate, I already had the budding consciousness of a typical high school student. Whether it was true or not, by helping others and receiving the occasional meal as compensation, I managed to scrape by, maintaining a frail existence. Yet even so. The hateful gazes cast upon me. The heartlessness of the village people who wouldn't even engage in any mundane conversation. The weakness within me that didn't want to cause any trouble to those few who did speak to me. Gradually, they were closing in on me. "—You... you don't hate me." "...Huh?" A small phrase I never intended to voice. Yet the words slipped out, perhaps inevitably. The child looked dumbfounded at my sudden remark. But once my mouth opened, it wouldn't close. All the resentment, the frustration, the injustice that had accumulated within me came rushing out like a flood. The daggers made of words that once stabbed me, now spilled from my own mouth. "Everyone hates me. They say I'm filthy, dirty, strange." "....Huh?" "A monster. Honestly, don't you think the same?" Clearly, these weren't words meant for the child. An innocent child, who knew nothing and yet showed kindness towards me, was simply receiving the brunt of my misplaced anger. Nothing more, nothing less; it was the pathetic flailing of an ugly adult. Still, seeing the child smile as if every day was filled with happiness, blossoming brightly before me, somehow, an unworthy anger rose within me. No, perhaps it was envy. I didn't ask to be reborn. I didn't choose to be born with these colors. It's their fault for not understanding that colors are just colors. Having received the rare gift of a second life— I never expected happiness, but I at least wished to live a human life. "—Child whose name I don't know, you hate me too, right?" I didn't expect an answer. I didn't expect anything. Having been betrayed by everything since that brief moment of being born again into this world, I never held any expectations. Because if those expectations were betrayed, I knew I wouldn't be able to endure any longer. "........" "........" The child remained silent, naturally. Just stared at me with a blank expression, gazing my way. Seeing that, I felt an overwhelming sense of self-loathing, unable to contain it. Really, what am I doing to a child just passing by? I'm truly trash. I should get back to the village, get some sleep, and pull myself together. "Sorry, I must be really tired." "......." "So... really, I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." I bowed my head. A small, token apology. With that, I slowly turned my back. I didn't ask for her name, no need to form any attachment. I probably wouldn't meet her again. Even if I did, seeing how I was treated in the village, the child would soon distance herself from me. Even those I considered close, even Remi, could only remain silent in front of others. So, it is unavoidable. Unavoidable. —As I thought so, I failed to grasp that the child had stopped me. "......!!" A small hand holding onto my clothes. The grip was so faint, yet somehow, I couldn't bring myself to shake it off. "........" "Why....?" Was it to escape from her grasp, or to question her reasons? I stopped biting my lips without realizing it and in a trembling voice, asked the child. Though I pushed her away so coldly, why are you holding onto me? That was what I wanted to know. But the words that came out were so pitiful and short that I had to close my lips again. Instead, it was the child who spoke. "—You've been through a lot, haven't you?" ".....!!" "You’re hurt and... hmm... wounded, truly having a tough time." With a swift breeze brushing against my hair, I turned towards the child, startled. The child, still holding a flower in one hand, hung her head low. Only then did I realize that the small hand holding my clothes had long since let go. Yet, my feet showed no sign of movement. Startled, unable to accept what the child had said, I could only look at her with a vacant expression. The situation had, somehow, completely reversed. The child's pink lips curved into a long arc. "I'll always be here, Sis." "......!!" "So when things get tough, come here." I'll be with you. With those words, the child disappeared into the darkening depth of the forest. Where the child had stood, a single mysterious white flower bloomed. As if to declare, this was not a dream— Proclaiming its presence to me. "....Really, what is this." Holding the flower in my hand, I stood there, dumbfounded. For a long time, until the sun dipped below the horizon. Zzz. ** * * *