Chapter 36 - The Girl Wants to Be M*rdered

〈 Chapter 36 〉 The Borderline. Inside me, there are too many versions of myself. There is no place for you to rest. ** It was as if I were a lost child standing alone in the cold heart of the city, overwhelmed by the confusion of losing my parents. Just moments ago, just a while back, before life became like this. I used to live a happy life surrounded by warm-hearted parents, a kind sister, and joyful friends from school. We found immense joy in each other's company, cherishing those precious little moments with hearty laughter. Laughing, chatting, playing. I reveled in the subtle joys woven deeply into everyday life. ㅡ But now? "........" They’ve all left me behind, blending into the crowd. Or perhaps I was the one swept away by the masses. Mom, where are you? Dad, where did you go? Sister, I’m all alone. Everyone, I’m so scared. I scream out their names with all my might, but only the echoes of my voice, bouncing back from the buildings, answer me. Passersby cast cold glances my way, looking down at the child making a bothersome noise. Yes. I’ve been pushed into this isolated world, alone. Even my parents, who gave me life, abandoned me to survive on the streets. They cursed, ridiculed, mocked, and abused me. Surrounded by enemies, I couldn’t trust anyone. I'm in so much pain. I'm really struggling. Don’t ignore me. Be kind to me. But I don’t need cheap sympathy. No, I do need it. Please, don’t leave me behind. Even those who showed me small kindnesses, I was so worn down by life that I couldn't trust them. They were just there, but I repeatedly believed in them, felt betrayed by them, and deceived myself in a cycle. Doubt bred more doubt, devouring each other, growing larger. I both believed in and mistrusted people. It was so, ugly. "Hahn! There's still a stain here!!" "Haha... I'll wash it again, Pierre." "Sigh, get your act together, alright!?" "Got it~!" But what I could do was hide my sadness, conceal my hardships, and swallow my pain. Like a clown, overreacting and laughing excessively, wearing the absurd mask of 'I’m harmless' was my everyday life. Ha. Haha. .... Haha. If only I’d known this would hurt. If I’d known living like this would be painful. I wouldn’t have cared for a second chance. Perhaps I was never meant to exist from the start. I thought so. "ㅡSis, it's been a while!!" ".....!!" Slowly, my closed eyes opened. Late autumn. Wandering aimlessly, my feet had carried me to a familiar place. As usual, I sought sleep to wash away painful memories, only to be awakened by a voice echoing from afar. Just a few meters away. Though winter was nearly upon us, beneath a small tree now slowly blooming with beautiful crimson flowers—like they were waking late from sleep—a child hugged an armful of flowers picked from around and smiled brightly as if they themselves were a flower. With a slightly trembling hand, I waved at the child. "...It's been a while." "Hehe!" Truly, I don't know. Why I came back here again. Or why I feel glad to see the child once more. Endless contemplation. The child just laughed, finding inexplicable joy in my confused state. ** A small, soft ball of cotton candy. But peel away that fluff, and there stood a tree bristling with sharp thorns. Like a hedgehog trying to repel everyone, afraid of getting hurt. Yet at the same time, longing for affection, trembling with the fear of being abandoned—a little child. Amidst two clashing desires running parallel, unable to intersect, one loses the will to live, abandoning everything. It was reminiscent of my former self, and I found it so endearingly familiar. "ㅡYou’ve heard my story, haven’t you?" "Hmm?" "Don't play games." She puffed up, much like a kitten hissing. At least that's how it seemed to me. Her still drowsy, half-closed eyes shone with great suspicion towards me. Was it because she had just woken up, or was it because my presence had such a profound impact on her? Casting off her former playful demeanor, she fixed a sharp gaze upon me. Intimidatingly. Furiously. "Honestly, is there even need to hear it? Everyone seems to dislike me at a glance." "........" "Everyone's the same. Abandon, discard, leave. Even the friend I thought closest will ultimately abandon me too, right?" Self-directed anger. Words of self-loathing. "You’re the same, aren’t you?" She forced a twisted smile, tears trickling down. Beneath her mask, it was as if I could see a lost child unsure where to turn. "You asked if it was hard for me, right? Yeah, it’s excruciatingly hard. So hard I want to die." "......." ".....Haha, truly, it’s maddening. Such words shouldn’t be spoken to a child. Have I really gone mad?" Meeting someone like her, or someone like myself, living a new life isn’t new to me. Distinct appearances, or abilities and actions. It's quite easy to identify such people. We come across not a few, roughly one in ten. ㅡ Most of them couldn't adapt to the changed world. For fear of a child not acting like one. Because a person born couldn’t possibly exist based on direct lineage. Due to the influence of previously acquired languages, learning a new one caused issues, leaving them unable to speak properly. They have been ostracized for various reasons. Only a fortunate few could joyfully embrace the opportunities that came their way. Those who were rejected struggled to find meaning in life amidst the changing environment around them. In that regard, I could say I was truly lucky. I encountered good people, a loving family, and meaningful relationships, learning a great deal along the way. I found my own way of living. And I was able to use those learnings to guide those who wandered. I am, perhaps excessively so, a blessed being. ".....Hehe." I slowly approached her as she sat there, slumped. Petals slipped one by one from the overflowing bouquet in my arms, leaving a trail of flowers like signposts along my path. Even when I stood close, she didn’t know my name but remained lost in endless self-reproach and despair. It’s proof of how ignorant we truly are. Isn’t it peculiar that a stranger might understand you better than you know yourself? That’s why we must share insights about each other. "Everything, everything, it's all lies." "No, it's not a lie." Like my sister Ellie, like the girl before me—everyone just desires boundless love and trust for themselves. Silently, I scattered the flowers in my arms over her head. A simple act of discarding what was in my hands. Yet, as the white, yellow, and blue flowers mingled and fell, it seemed as though they were blessing the path she was to walk. She looked up at me with hollow eyes, covered in the falling petals I had released. Believe, and you shall be saved. A small verse came to mind. I slowly reached out and embraced her head gently. As I stroked her brittle hair, her strands slipped between my fingers. It must have been tough. You truly endured well. Now, let me help you. "I’m pretty." "....A lie." "Like a clear night sky, you're beautiful." In some sense, am I becoming her mentor? Perhaps due to my lack of connections with younger siblings or juniors, I felt compelled to involve myself when faced with someone acting childishly. This must be what they call the responsibility of an adult. I untangled her matted hair with my right hand, embracing her warmly. Though I had never felt uncomfortable in life, it was a bit regrettable that I could only use one arm to embrace someone. "In front of others, you'll leave me eventually." "Nooo~, I’ll stay with youuu~" "ㅡDon’t lie!" When I playfully retorted, she pushed me with her hands. But her rejection was so weak, it was scarcely more than a gentle shove. Distracted by the guilt reflected in her eyes, even that slight push was a big shock, causing me to stagger backward. Thud. My body leaned backward, tripped by a rock. With only one arm left to balance myself, I had no choice but to tumble backward. Roll, roll. Now covered in dirt, I fell into a pitiful state. "ㅡOuch!" "....You..!?" For a brief moment, as if seeing something unusual, her eyes widened in shock. My lovable junior stood frozen in place. Ignoring the pain, I got up from the ground and darted back to her side. Everything might seem doubtful. It might feel like the world is deceiving you, and indeed, you might deeply reject yourself. Hatred-drenched violence and ostracism, discrimination—all those might never vanish completely. Yes. Unless a miracle occurs, that is. "I have... no one I know... no family or friends... so I’ve always been lonely..." "......" "You’re... the first person I’ve come to know... I don't like anyone else..!!" Yet humans are creatures that create miracles. If you wish fervently, if you believe strongly, no matter how absurd it may seem, someday, that wish could come true. So, believe. Then, salvation shall come. "So, please.... be my friend." "......!!" And even if salvation doesn’t descend, don’t worry too much. See. "Don’t leave me behind." Hasn’t a miracle come to you, just like that? **