Chapter 56 - The Girl Wants to Be M*rdered

**Chapter 56: A Great Emptiness** * * * Is this emptiness, or is it futility? The sensation of everything you believed in crumbling steadily from the ground up. The ignorance of humanity, where you can't discern what you know from what you don’t. Nothing was reflected in her eyes, nothing resonated in her ears, and her hands seized nothingness. Was she walking now, standing, or perhaps lying somewhere, patiently awaiting death? Even a simple conjecture like that evaded her grasp. —A throb! "Hanh, Sia." The name she mutters, still tormenting her—a mercenary's name. She clutched at her throbbing head, envisioning the vexing woman who managed to drive her to this point. Black hair, black eyes. Someone who stubbornly insists on an unconventional arrangement, placing her surname before her given name. A person who carried a strangely jolly smile as if something amused her greatly. To describe her charitably, one might call her original; uncharitably, unpleasantly suspicious, stirring unease with her presence. As her face, some would say fascinating, flitted across her mind, the headache that had started to abate seemed to resurface. Her vision warped and darkened, narrowing into familiar pinpricks of pain piercing through her brain like needles. By now, the feeling was less tormenting and more irksome. The deep furrow between her brows reflected her growing irritation. "I'm sorry for her, but right now... I simply despise her." From the first meeting, if honest, she had never liked her. Not that she was the type to judge others solely by appearance or first impressions. Sure, in some places people might trust in sayings about those with black body parts being witches' fingers capable of magic, but those superstitions weren’t hers. Rather, the fresh and unique appearance had its own distinct charm. Moreover, as a rare member of a government-certified and managed mercenary group, she commanded some attention. Hahn dispelled the notion that she would be a hulking brute, presenting herself instead as timid and fragile, fostering a sense of camaraderie. If anything, her first impression was on the better end. Not as unrealistically flawless as dreamlike peers, she was somewhat accessible, eliciting a kindness. Her intriguing background added positive intrigue. At that time, she even thought, barring any issues, building a good relationship with her might be possible. Yes. She thought so. Until she witnessed her tenderly caress the bracelet she wore on her wrist as though it were precious to her. —Crackle. "Really... what a sight... Ha... Haha...!" Her emotions gradually heightened. But where were they headed? To such unwelcoming emotional waves, disturbing sounds started to emanate from the railing gripped in her hand. Had it been another’s arm, and not a railing, an unfortunate incident would likely have ensued. While the splintered handrail shattered under stress and wooden fragments pierced her skin, this pain somewhat subdued the migraine and kept her from collapsing. Stumbling, leaving deep crimson stains in her wake, she began a walk with no destination, aimlessly led by her feet. Just wandering around the vast academy grounds, without worrying about getting lost, for even that she deemed not so bad. ** Fine, let it be. At first, she attributed it to chance. A distinctively bad coincidence crafted by fate to torment her. Everything—the way the strands intertwined similarly, the sheer number of silver flowers her sister adored blooming abundantly, and how it was tied with a teal ribbon reminiscent of Aris' eyes. Coincidence. How many people in the world crafted bracelets? Surely, there were thousands, if not more. Even though the resemblance alone could have easily left her heart sinking, she was not so mentally fragile as to lose composure and charge at her. Yet, the thing that tormented her most lay elsewhere. As Hanh Sia caressed the bracelet made of artificial flowers, immune to wilting, with clear, unclouded eyes depicting someone absent, while she herself carried the decayed remnants of a crown in her pocket, calling forth memories of someone she could no longer see. They were too similar, yet so fundamentally different. An unbridgeable gap, too vast to even guess where it began. Each time Hanh Sia found strength and calmed her spirit through her bracelet's comfort, she was engulfed in indescribable anger and self-loathing. Why does she wear that blissful expression? Here I am, consumed with sorrow. What does she see while gazing into the void? Everything dear to me has vanished. Irrational anger surfaced. Hanh Sia was merely an ordinary classmate, having nothing to do with her. Whatever she did was none of her concern. Whether Hanh Sia thrived someplace unknown, it wouldn’t affect her life by the thickness of a lamb’s wool. Yet, as she watched Hanh Sia’s happiness transform while staring at her wrist, she fell into despondency. The smallest concerns began to bring about a petulant dissatisfaction, and everything felt lacking, as though an irreparable void remained open within her. Listening to the soft music that Tessa recommended while reading a book couldn't ease her mind. Even when she exerted herself relentlessly at the training grounds to leave no room for wandering thoughts. Whenever the image of Hanh Sia flickered before her eyes, her heart sank deeper into darkness. "Uh... In our Wallenstein Mercenary Group, we employ infantry who primarily use polearms and spears..." "...Don't you use a sword, Hahn?" "Ah, well... I have rather unusual circumstances... so I've been granted personal permission to use a sword... yes, that's right." Then one day, During a class where the teacher, as usual, called on Hanh Sia to share her vivid experiences, drawing the students' attention. I was seated at my desk, attempting to follow the lecture. '........' Tap, the pen in my hand fell to the floor. The accumulated fatigue had long surpassed its limits, and with my condition, properly attending class was impossible. My trembling eyes and hands that refused to cooperate starkly displayed my state. Even next to Hanh Sia, speaking, her words barely registered in my ears in my deteriorated state. The letters on the blackboard, once clear, appeared as smeared blurs with my foggy vision. Under normal circumstances, even at the risk of being impolite, I would have absented myself from the classroom in such a grievous state. Yet, for some reason, I neither raised my hand nor left the room, solely fixated on her as she conducted the class, engaging the students. Gentle petals danced as they rode the wind. An unusually sensitive nose detected subtle fragrances in the air. I found myself entranced, blankly staring at the bracelet encircling her wrist. A bracelet filled with love. A bracelet filled with affection. The moment I saw it, I whispered so softly that no one could hear. —I want that bracelet. A rising, unreasonable fury. An agony appearing suddenly, devouring me from within. Irrational emotions directed at someone utterly unrelated to me. The name of these feelings is envy. "—No." It cannot be acknowledged. It must not be acknowledged. ** "....Ah." The continuously treading steps finally halted at a certain place. It wasn't due to some obstacle blocking my path. Nor because I lacked the strength to continue walking, not gripped by the fear of being lost. Before me was merely an invitingly open door, my breath still intact, and if I were so pathetic as to be daunted by this much, I'd have ended it all long ago. I've been wandering, having lost everything since two years past. Yet the reason I stood frozen, unable to move forward, was due to the cruel world. It truly was too much. A gust of wind. "...Ha... haha..." A downpour marking summer's end drenched the ground, dispelling the lingering humid air. A crisp breeze, now cold enough to feel slightly chilly, began to blow, yet the air coming from the front remained as warm as summer. A transparent glasshouse, visibly open within. Inside, green life thrived abundantly. This was a place I hadn't set foot in once during almost two years since coming to Museion. A place devoid of reason to visit after Aris disappeared. The final stop in a lengthy journey led me to a delightful greenhouse where flowers blossomed with vibrant vitality. —Thud. A sound of something colliding with the ground resonated first. With it, the surrounding scenery spun upside down, and grasses previously rooted in the earth appeared, blocking my view. The grass didn't suddenly grow up, so perhaps my perspective lowered? Ah. I see. I fell. "...Really, the worst." My vision faded to black. ** * * *